I can just imagine the cake, the presents and all the angels gathering around to sing Happy Birthday to my little Angel. I can hear the choir singing Amazing Grace with such zeal. There’s one playing the harp welcoming everyone as they come in for the party. Oh how grand, I wish I was there just to see the happiness, the joy and laughter.
It’s been 14 years today that you were brought into this world, only to leave this plane and enter another. I’ve never felt such pain as I did when we had to lay you to rest. I felt such emptiness, such loss. I felt numb at points and was angry at myself for not being able to cry anymore, I felt like I had cried myself out. We pulled together as a family and planned a funeral to honor your memory. It was almost more of a memorial that we were planning. We had nothing to remember, no pictures to post. All we had was the pain and the fact that even though we’ve never met you, you touched our lives, our hearts and our beings. We grieved as though you had been with us for 80 years. You took a piece of our hearts with you the day that you left us.
I remember going to bed and sensing a little figure walking behind me and once I got into bed he sat by my head and just rubbed my head. He didn’t say a word, he just sat there consoling me. I just lay there as I did not sleep for days after we lost you. The next night when I went to bed he followed me again, sat on my pillow and rubbed my head. But, tonight he spoke–he said “Ma, it’s gonna get easier” and my nephew was laying asleep next to me and he laughed this most angelic laugh and the angel said “I’m playing with him” I cried with joy as I knew this was true. I’ve only heard that laugh one other time and it truly warmed my heart. This little angel that sat on my pillow was my baby boy, Cy. I have never felt such a comforting presence as this one. I knew that he could feel my pain and the connection that we share can never be broken. It has been 14 years since we had to say goodbye but, the pain is like it was yesterday.
I think about all the things that we missed with you, the first words, the first steps, the first day of school and so on. I wonder what you would look like, what your wife would have looked like and your children. I longed to have you in my arms and losing you before you were even born was more than I could bare. The pain consumed me and I fought the demons of depression for many years. I finally got to the point that I wanted to end my life, end the pain and go home to be with you. I am grateful that I did not take that route, I was able to get to the doctor in time. I know that I have family here that loves me and would have been devastated to loose me as I lost you. I thank God for giving me the strength to get through the pain of losing you and showing me that it does get easier. I still think of you daily but, I hold on to the fact that I will see you one day soon, in Heaven. Heaven, the paradise that God has promised us, where there would be no pain, no suffering only joy and laughter.
I envision the day that I finally get to meet you as one of such fulfillment. I long to hold you in my arms, rock you and sing to you. All the things that a mother does with her children.
Until we meet again, all my love, my sweet angel