A mother’s love; I lost a huge part of me when I lost you

I went to the doctor as usual having female issues, hurting, feeling fatigue and the like.  So this doctor tells me that I need to have a hysterectomy and I told him that if I did that then I would never have children.  I told him that I was not ready to accept that. I said as long as I have all my parts there’s still a chance that I can get pregnant.  He shook his head and said let me know if you change your mind.

So a few days later I was in the conference room standing there crying and a friend came in.  She asked me what was wrong so I told her what the doctor had said.  I was devestated because I am getting older and no other doctor had ever suggested a hysterectomy.  So she proceeded to place her hand on my stomach while we were talking, she says I’m praying for you.  I said I know, I just knew.  So after a few minutes I started feeling like I had butterflies in my belly, I did not think anything of it.  Life went on as normal until I realized that I was a week late starting my cycle.  I just brushed it off, thinking oh well I will start soon.  A few more days passed and still no cycle.  I did not want to get my hopes up because I have been through so much emotional roller coasters before with the fertility treatments I had went through over the years.  I thought, this cannot be possible, it had been quite some time since we had done the treatments.

I finally called my sister and told her how late my cycle was.  She says take a test…. I said NO!!!! I can’t….. I did not want to take the test and it be negative and my period will come tomorrow, causing more emotional pain.  I just could not bare it…..Well on Friday I decided OK I have to take a pregnancy test.  I still hesitated…we ate supper then my sister calls…”Did you take the test?”   I said No.  She says “I am not gonna hang up until you take the test.”   So then I had no choice….I go to the bathroom and take the test and OMG…..IT’S POSITIVE!!!!! I start yelling for my husband, the test is positive!  He says are you sure?  And I’m like YES I’m sure.  I’ve taken enough of them.  So ofcourse we are all excited!!!  My sister is screaming on the phone, we’re gonna have a baby!!! My husband and I are still trying to process it all…. Off to the store we go at 10 pm to get another test, I said I’m gonna get the good kind now, I got a Fact Plus and took it when I got home and it home and sure enough it was positive.  We are still trying to process it all.

We decided that we were not going to tell anyone until we went to the doctor.  Yeah that did not last…It started off quiet, oh I’m just gonna tell this one….I did have to go talk to my friend that prayed for me.  So I went in and had a smile from ear to ear and told her thst I got sick brushing my teeth and I never do that.  She was like andddddd….I could tell she was anxious.  I was loving it.  When I told her that I was pregnant she was so excited.  She said “God told me to get the book what to expect when you are expecting.” She could not understand because she did not know I was pregnant and she did not want to upset me.  But, now, now she understands….God is awesome!!!

The next day we went to my mother in law’s house and were trying to be all secretive.  I even said that I could not have coffee, I thought about it after I said it.  I tried to brush it off but, they knew something was up.  My husband’s grandmother was there too and I was about busting at the seams….I walked outside to talk to my husband and told him we have to tell them. He said yeah I know, with a smile.  So we walked back inside hand in hand, smiling from ear to ear and made our announcement.  They cried with joy, embracing the news of the baby coming.

We left there and headed to my parents house to tell them.  When we got there we started off with small talk and I wanted to treasure the moment that I tell my Daddy I’m gonna have a baby.  So I sat on my Daddy’s lap and he said something about his big belly and I took that opportunity… I said I’m gonna have one of those. He said what? I said a big belly. His eyes got big and he smiled.  He says you are…I said yep, I’m gonna have a baby!  I don’t think I’ve ever seen my Daddy so excited.  My mom was overjoyed as well.  I told my Daddy that I have not been to the doctor yet but, I was figuring I should be due on his birthday. That made him so happy.  He looked up at me and says I can’t wait till my birthday.  That made my day.

So finally I go to the doctor and they say that everything is fine.  I am due a couple days after my Daddy’s birthday.  They did an ultrasound and I got to see our little bean.  It was so tiny, so precious, so real!  My heart was completely overjoyed.  I’m gonna be a Mommy!

Everyone at work was spoiling me rotten…I said I wanted strawberries one day and I got strawberries. All the strawberries I wanted.  I was one happy girl.  I never had morning sickness, just a hint of nausea if I did not eat breakfast early enough.  Other women that had been pregnant said they envied me.  I thought it was kinda cool.  I had the best time being pregnant, I felt good, I was happy and I was being showered with love, gifts and everyone wanted to take care of me.  Sometimes I was like, I can do that, I’m pregnant not broken.  I said it with a smile though, I enjoyed every moment of it.

When I went back to the doctor for my checkup my Godchild came with me, she wanted to see the ultrasound.  She was so excited to be at the doctor with me.  I was glad to have her there too.  So we finally get to the back and the nurse could not find the heartbeat but, then she found it a little low on my belly.  My Godchild had to leave because she had a job interview.  We thought everything was ok, so I told her go, I’ll be fine.  Well when they finally call me to do my ultrasound, this nurse knew something was wrong.  She would not say anything, she just got up and went to get the doctor.  They proceeded to tell me that I had miscarried….I was devestated….screaming GO GET MY HUSBAND!!!!!  He was at our store and I had the car.  He had another of our godchildren with him and he was only 5 or 6 at the time.  So my husband had to wait for a ride to get to the doctor’s office.  I was screaming NO NOT AGAIN!!  This is the second child that I’ve lost…the other was a miscarriage during an adoption.  Finally, my husband got there and calmed me down a bit.  He had to take me to the hospital to have a procedure.  This was one of the worst days of my life! And I know it was rough for my husband, it was his birthday.

I sat there in the hall waiting for them to get a room ready for me.  I started shaking uncontrolably.  I could not believe this was happening to me.  The doctor said they could do the procedure that evening or wait and I said no I cannot wait.  I have been through so much already.  I remember everyone coming in telling me it’s ok and I said NO IT’S NOT!!!! I told everyone to get out! They were all talking loud, laughing and joking and I was dying inside!!!! I kept asking for my Mom and Dad but, no one could reach them.  They were out fishing.  My dear sweet grandmother was there, holding my hand, crying…. she was at my side until they took me into the operating room.  I did not see my mom and dad until I came out of surgery….I kept saying I’m sorry, I’ sorry….They were crying and told me not to apologize.  I could see such pain in their eyes….That was so hard to see that pain in their eyes…..

You see I lost a piece of me when I lost you, you were a part of me, my blood ran through your tiny veins, your heart beat inside of me.  I don’t show the pain, the emptiness that I feel.  It hurts too bad to hold onto the pain, the loss.  I long to have the chance to hold you in my arms, to rock you and sing lullabyes to you. I never even got the chance to see your face or give you a name but, you took a part of me with you that will forever be lost.  I have decided that you need a name, you deserve a name…your name is Christian.  Aunt Jo said we had to name you something with Chris in it, so I figured Christian would be good for a boy or girl.  You also give me strength, I hold onto the promise that I will see you one day.  I think of you often and I hold on to the good memories.

Till we meet, my Angel know that I love you more than life itself and I would have given mine to save yours, that’s what a mother does.

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