My sister wrote a blog post on 10 things never to say to anyone who has lost a child in honor of mine and my sister’s babies lost in miscarriage. We kind of talked about it the other day and she shared it with me today, here’s my take on it. Oh, and there’s a link to her post here so you can read that as well.
Let’s start with my story, my first husband and I longed to have children, many children. We both loved children and we always had neices and nephews spending weekends and summers with us. I had LOTS of female problems and had to have multiple surgeries for endometriosis because I would be in pain so bad I could hardly stand up at times. I would hurt almost constantly and had to go in for surgery about every 2 years to have the endometriosis and cysts removed to relieve the pain. I told the doctor I felt like I was being poisoned. Once I had surgery I would be bursting with energy for a few months then the cycle would start all over again.
All I wanted was to have a bundle of joy in my arms, my child, to hear my child laugh, play, watch him or her grow and celebrate whatever events came our way. I longed to cuddle MY child, hold his or her hand, kiss their booboos, the way a Mommy does. Is that too much to ask? I would beg God, please let me be pregnant this month! When I would start my period I would cry for days, I would get angry with anyone and everyone that even looked at me wrong. We tried fertility treatments, I took shots and had procedures done….nothing! One of the doctors asked me one day how I kept going, how I could put one foot in front of the other? I told him, by the grace of God is all. Even though I was angry that I could not get pregnant I knew deep down that God was there with me, giving me strength. After YEARS of emotional roller coasters–up and down, up and down I went to a local doctor and after having an exam done he tells me that I need a hysterectomy. I said NO! Funny thing because none of the other doctors had ever agreed to do a hysterectomy because I did not have any children of my own. I told him NO, I’m not ready to accept that I will NEVER have children of my own. As long as I have my parts I know that there is a chance I can get pregnant. He says Ok, but if you change your mind come back. Well I’m in the conference room at work crying my eyes out and a friend of mine comes up and asks me what is wrong. I told her what the doctor said and she placed her hand on my stomach and started praying. I knew she was praying, I can’t explain it, I just knew. I started feeling butterflies in my belly, I didn’t understand it, but I felt it. When the time comes for my period I’m 10 days late and I dreaded taking the test. Finally I called my sister and she said take a test! I reluctantly picked up a test at the dollar store, being cheap…. So I got home, cooked supper and then my sister calls, she said “Did you take the test?” I said NO…. She says “I’m not hanging up till you take the test” So I took the test and OMG it was positive! I started yelling for my husband, I told him it was positive, he said you sure, I said yeah! As many times as I’ve taken them I should know….We were beyond happy, we were ecstatic! Finally after 16 years of trying, we were going to have a baby! A baby! I go to the doctor and they said everything looked fine, I worked, I felt fine. To tell you the truth I felt perfect! I had just a twinge of nausea if I didn’t eat breakfast and that was it for morning sickness! I was on cloud nine, had everyone waiting on me, giving me everything I wanted, I was glowing. Until one day I go to the doctor and they couldn’t find the heartbeat, then the nurse found it, she said it was a little low on my belly, but it was a good strong heartbeat. I was like PHEW…. So I’m waiting to have my second ultrasound and my godchild who was with me had to leave for a job interview, I told her it would be fine. I’ll be ok. When they took me in, the nurse started the ultrasound and she said I’ll be right back, the words you dread… Well when she came back, she had the doctor with her and they told me that they didn’t see any movement and that I had miscarried. I was DEVESTATED! I started screaming NO, NO, NO!!! NOT AGAIN!!!! The doctor was confused because this was my first pregnancy, so I had to tell them that we also lost a baby in miscarriage during an adoption. I was at the doctor by myself with my lil neice, who was about 2 at the time. I kept telling the nurses, go get my husband, go get my husband please!!!! I had the car at the doctor and he was at our store and he had my lil nephew, with no way to get to me. He had to wait on my father in law to come get him and bring him to the doctor’s office. I know he was devestated too and it was his birthday. Finally he got there and my father in law took the kids home so that we could go to the hospital. The doctor said that I could go home and see if I would go into labor or I could just go to the hospital and have a procedure. I opted to go to the hospital, I told him if I go home like this I will go crazy! He understood with everything that I had already been through, he called the hospital and go everything lined up for me. By the time we got to the hospital I was shaking, I was nauseaus, I had been crying for what seemed like hours. I had to sit outside a room while they finished getting it ready, I thought I was going to pass out. Finally they get me in the room and my family starts arriving, I was so out of it I know I don’t remember everything. There are certaing things that stick out though…. my grandma stood at my bedside, holding my hand, wiping my tears. They could not reach my mom and dad, they were out fishing, they fished for a living. I wanted to see my daddy and my mom before they took me in for surgery. People kept coming in and out and laughing and joking and talking like there was nothing serious going on! I told them if you can’t be quiet get out! I couldn’t stand the noise and I couldn’t stand the fact that they were laughing and cutting up while I lay there knowing I would never hold my baby, I would never see my baby, I would never be able to wipe my baby’s tears, see their smile, NEVER!! One of them even says you alright? AM I ALRIGHT?? SERIOUSLY?? AM I ALRIGHT?? HELL NO, I’M NOT ALRIGHT! I LOST MY BABY, I’M NEVER GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!! Once I told them that they had to get out if they couldn’t be quiet, it was quiet, I remember my godson sitting at the foot of my bed crying, he knew what this baby meant to us, he knew how heartbroken we were. Finally they came to get me, I had to sign papers stating that they had permission to take my baby! Do you know how hard that was, do you know that is something I will never forget! I would have given my life at that point if it meant my child having a chance at life. I was too early on, and I knew that, it still haunts me all these years later. When I came out of surgery, my mom and dad had finally made it. I cried when I saw my daddy, I told him I’m sorry Daddy, I’m so sorry Daddy. I was due to have the baby around his birthday and he was so excited, he had said he couldn’t wait till his birthday. I’ve never seen my daddy cry before and that absolutely broke me! My mom was standing by him crying too, they were heartbroken, this was their first grandchild, no second grandchild, we lost the first in miscarriage also.
So let me tell you a few things you should never tell anyone who has lost a child
- It’s going to be alright….really, I just lost my child, a part of me and it’s going to be alright…uh NO, it’s not ever going to be alright
- It’s for the best…really, for the best SMH How could you say it’s for the best? What if you lose your child or your husband or anyone else close to you are close to? Is that for the best?
- You can have another one…really?? Have another one, there will never be another one that could take the place of the child that was lost, ever. That child was unique, a one of a kind and it was my child.
- Maybe that child was going to be deformed?? Really…. I had someone tell me this and I lost it! I said I don’t care if that child had no arms and no legs, it was still my child!
Here is a link to the blog post that my sister wrote, please read it. And remember if you are ever in a situation where you have to comfort a mother or father greiving the loss of a child, a touch, a hug and just being there is enough.
Thank you so much sis for writing this blog post and honoring our little angels. You have touched on so many points and hit them dead on. I teared up as I was reading this and I can’t express what this means to me and so many other women who have had to face miscarriage or infant loss. Losing a child at any age causes unbearable pain that one has to learn to cope with over time. Thanks again & I love you more than words could ever say.
The hardest thing in the world is for a parent to lose a child. I believe there is no parent anywhere who will ever contest this statement. (No caring parent I should say as some of them seem to think it’s okay to kill their own kids.) The lucky majority of parents will never know the pain, the emptiness, the grief and the anger of this loss.
This will, inevitably, make the majority of us a bit stupid about what to say to those who have lost a child or a baby. We will try to be comforting and instead end up twisting the knife due to our own ignorance. It’s unintentional but no less painful to hear.
Both of my sisters have had miscarriages. I was very lucky and never had to face this heart wrenching experience myself. In honor of Miscarriage Awareness Month, I’m listing some of their…
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