Twenty four years ago today I said I do to a man, a man that said he fell in love with me at first sight. & let me tell you I was a sight, young, dumb, nieve and overweight at least to my mind. I did not always feel like I wa beautiful, it took me a very long time to be comfortable in the body that God blessed me with. But, this man always made me feel good about myself, his look, his touch was genuine. Oh, how I miss his touch, his smile, his voice….
When we started dating not everyone understood, not everyone could see the love that I saw in a short time. No one could feel the love that I felt coming from you. I was told that I would never find someone to love me the way another did but, I knew better. I could feel it, it just felt right. I was always a good girl, so to speak, never caused trouble, never raised a fuss but, for you, for you I did. I fought for the right to be in a relationship with you, I fought for your honor and I fought for our freedom. It was not easy to say the least but, it was worth every second of loving you and having you in my life. Alot of people don’t understand how I’m not mad at God for taking you and I say “How can I be mad when God blessed me with him. Blessed me.” We knew not long after we started dating that our time was borrowed, we knew we had to cherish the time that we had with one another for you had health issues and there was no cure. You were a fighter to say the least, you gave it your all and then some! You lived with a horrible disease, but you didn’t see it that way, you saw it as a way of life, you saw it as oh well, just something else that I have to deal with. You kept your cool, you accepted it and lived your life. You lived such a normal life that sometimes we forgot that we were on borrowed time and took things for granted and then you would have an episode or something else would happen & bring us back to the reality that we would ultimately face. We prepared far in advance for the end that we knew we would face.
You wrote in a notebook “I want you to know how much I love you, I need you.” It was a notebook FULL of things about our love for each other. I sat in the closet reading that notebook, crying my fool head off. You had been ill at the time and that made it harder emotionally to ready so I picked it up…..I lost that notebook and after you died I searched for it. I’m not sure if I would have been able to read it but, I just wanted to hold it. Maybe some day I would have had the strength to read it. Maybe…..
I try to remember the good things, the good days, the love, the faith, the kids, oh how I miss my babies, you know they’re not babies anymore. They are growing into young adults and having babies of their own. I miss the nights of playing hide & seek or listening to the kids in the den playing video games. Our house was so busy during the summers and the holidays. That house was more than a house, it was home. At least it was home with you and the kids there. Without you it was no longer home. It no longer held that special place for me. It no longer offered me rest & refuge. NO, it was empty, it was painful, it was cold!!! I hurt there, I could not breathe there, I could not stay there!!!!
So today makes 24 years that you & I said “From this day forward….till death do us part” and it’s been 8 years since I saw you last. Though I think of you daily, it’s gotten easier over time. You will always hold a special place in my heart. You’d be proud of me, I’m doing well, I’m working hard and doing my best to stay on the right track.
I’ve found love again, as I promised you I would. It was difficult at first but, I knew I could not do this alone, I needed someone to give me strength. Someone to lean on. He respects your memory and I think that’s what I love about him most. God has blessed me with a whole new family and sometimes it’s overwhelming the love that I feel for them. It’s like they’ve been in my life the whole time, I could not imagine my life without them.
So you would have enjoyed supper tonight, my brother came in with a choupic and a few bass. He was asking Mama if she wanted it and I was like choupic!!! I want it, I knew mom would enjoy it too. So he made me clean the fish, Lord that’s something I haven’t done in a while and you could tell. I did alright I guess but, I butchered some of them. LOL Well we made choupic patties, everyone enjoyed them….I know I did!!! Well I just wanted to say hi and tell you that I love you and I miss you! Happy Anniversary, I hope you had a grand day in Heaven, kiss our babies and hug my grandparents for me!
Till next time….
I’ll meet you when my chores are through,