Though our hearts are breaking and we have this emptiness inside that will NEVER be filled we find a way to move on. We find a way to heal, to let go and listen for the angels singing. Though many days will come that we won’t know how we will function we somehow manage to do it. We find a way because we have to, we have to heal, we have to take care of others, we have to find a way.
What am I talking about? I’m talking about losing a baby in miscarriage. I’m talking about having a life ripped from you, your life will NEVER be the same. I’m talking about something that many don’t want to talk about. I’m talking about something that many will never understand because unless you have been there, you won’t be able to even imagine the pain that our hearts feel. Our hearts are broken in a million pieces and won’t be able to be put together again, even with all the glue in the world. A piece of our heart has been lost, stolen like a theif in the night.
I have hypothyroidism and have had other health complications causing hormonal imbalances and infertility. I would get pains that would be so intense by the time the pain passed I was shaking, literally. I felt as though I was being slowly poisoned. After going to the doctor for years with no relief I had my first laproscopic surgery and OMG I felt like I had a new body, I went back to work within a week & I was bouncing off the walls with energy. But, about every 2 years I had to have surgery because the endometriosis would build up and attack my body.
I remember one day I went to the doctor and he says that my insides were glued together with the endo. He said you need to have a hysterectomy. I told him NO! I’m not ready to give up on the chance that I could conceive a child. I know that right now I have a chance to get pregnant. But, if you take my parts then I will give up & I’m not ready to do that. So a few days later I was standing in the conference room crying and a friend asked me what was wrong, so I told her what the doctor said. She laid her hand on my stomach and we were talking, all of a sudden she said “I’m praying for you” I said I know. I just knew…. I started feeling flutters in my belly. So low & behold a couple weeks later I am late for my cycle. I was scared to take the test, scared of disappointment, scared of the pain I would feel when the negative test result showed up. But, my sister would not let me go without taking the test one more day… I took the test and it was postive!!!! I called my husband and I told him, hurry come see, it’s positive!!!! He wanted to go get another test to be sure and sure enough it was positive too. I was so scared because I’d lost another baby a few years before and it like to killed me, I went through severe depression. (That baby was not one that I carried physically, but I carried it in my heart, we were going to adopt and lost the baby in pregnancy) I was careful, but I felt GREAT, I was getting spoiled, getting everything I wanted, getting waited on hand & foot and didn’t even have morning sickness. Most women are envious of that part. 🙂 Everything seemed fine until one day I started feeling a heaviness in my stomach and I went to the doctor only to find out that I had miscarried. I screamed!!!! I want my husband, please go get my husband!!! I was at the doctor by myself and I had my little niece with me. I just kept screaming!!!! No not again, not again!!!! Then I had to explain that I had lost the first baby in pregnancy during adoption. Finally my husband gets there and we send the kids home with their grandparents so that I can go to the hospital. The doctor talked to me and said that under the circumstances he could do a DNC instead of making me wait. I was like, yeah I can’t do this!!!! I felt like a lifetime before they finally got me prepped for surgery. My family came for support. But, many of them were acting as though nothing happened. They said things like “are you alright” HELL NO I’M NOT ALRIGHT!!!! I wanted my Daddy because I wanted my Daddy but, also I was due around his birthday and he was so excited and kept telling me he could not wait till his birthday. They could not reach my mom & dad, they were out fishing. My Grandmother got there and she never left my side, she stood by me rubbing my head, holding my hand. Oh, my Grandmother. How I miss her. My husband did not know what to do, he could not sit still, he was hurting too and he hated to see me hurting. I had to sign the papers to do the DNC and I hated myself for it for a long time. I did not get to see my Daddy until after the surgery!!! I cried telling my Daddy I’m so sorry, Daddy! I’ve never seen my Daddy cry before and that tore me up even more. My Mama, I could see the pain in her face too.
I did not have a service for this baby, that bothered me, still does. But, I know I would not have been able to handle laying another baby to rest in a grave. I did that once and NEVER again!!!!! It took my years to finally accept that I did the right thing. That both my babies are in Heaven and I will see them one day. That’s what I hold on to. That’s what gets me through.
The most angelic sound I’ve ever heard was the laugh of my nephew one morning right after we lost the first baby. He was sleeping by me and I could sense the baby was near, he says “Ma, it’s gonna get easier” just like that. & my nephew laughed, this most angelic laugh and the baby says “He’s playing with me” I’ve only heard that twice, but oh the peace that gives me, to know that he was there in my nephews dreams. And he was there telling me he was alright and that one day I would be alright.
So, if you’ve never miscarried you will NEVER understand the magnitude of the pain that we are feeling, you will NEVER understand the emptiness that we feel, the guilt that we feel, the lonlieness that we feel. We will never be able to hold our babies, we will never be able to hear our babies cry, we will never know the joy of motherhood for that child. That child will never be replaced by another. There’s a place in our hearts for that child for eternity. We will wonder what that child would look like, we will remember that child for events such as the first day of school, dating, marriage and so on….
Please be kind and remember that we are greiving and will greive till the end of time for the child that we’ve lost and we will have a bond with other mothers who have lost their children in miscarriage.
Remember these words: “I love you” “I’m here for you” That’s it!!
Dedicated to the memory of my angel babies Cy & Christian, my sister’s many angel babies, my brother Jonathan and our Grandbaby