A Mother’s love knows no bounds, no limits….hmmm what does that mean? It means that once you know that a child is coming into your life, your bundle of joy, your heart melts, your lives change. You start preparing for this change, this forever change, you shop for clothes, you set up a nursery, you literally prepare a place for this child to come home to. A place that this child will grow up in, be loved in, will laugh and cry in. You are just bursting with joy awaiting this child’s arrival.
And then, devastation…there will be no baby!!! Those words “I can’t find the heartbeat” or “Let me get the doctor” and then you hear those unforgettable words “You’ve lost the baby” How are you supposed to handle that!! You scream, you cry, you are in disbelief…you can’t talk, eat, sleep….you are literally lost. You ask God WHY!!! You blame God, you blame yourself and anyone or anything else that you can think of!
You find other things to focus on, you learn to live again but, you will NEVER be the same! A part of you is gone, you will never get back. A huge part of your life has been altered, you wonder, what your baby would grow up to be, you think of your baby when everyone else’s child is making milestones in life–birthdays, school events, holidays and such, you feel the sense of loss, you feel like someone’s missing. No one knows the depth of your pain, no one can comprehend what you are feeling.
One Christmas we were having a family gathering and we were having a birthday party for one of the kids later in the evening. All of a sudden I became overwhelmed with pain, with grief. The grief consumed me, I could not breathe. Everyone asked are you OK?? I’m like OK?? Do I look OK, I thought…I said NO!!! I left, I didn’t know where I was going to go! I just couldn’t be around everyone any longer, I couldn’t breathe! I ended up at my brother’s house and he could see something was bothering me, he knew that I was hurting. He hugged me and I SCREAMED “I WANT MY BABY!!! I WANT TO HOLD MY BABY!!! I WANT MY BABY!!!” My brother just held me, cried with me. He will NEVER know how much pain I was feeling at that moment and how much pain I was able to release into his arms, into his hug. I’m sure I scared him a bit but, I knew he’d be there for me.
It’s been 15 yes fifteen years since we lost our first baby and there’s not a day goes by that he’s not thought about. I see certain times on the clock that resemble the date that we lost him and he’s the first thing that comes to my mind. It has gotten easier over the years, but I still have my days. Boy do I have my days! I just hold on to the promise that he’s waiting for me in heaven, that one day I’ll see him, I’ll be able to hold him, be able to rock him and play games with him. That is what gets me through these days.
So till we meet again, all my love, fly high with the rest of the Angels
All my love,