I can finally smile today….It’s been 16 years

I decided to go to the grave yard on the anniversary date of the day we found out we had lost you in pregnancy.  You didn’t have flowers…. I cried, I felt so overwhelmed by despair because you didn’t have flowers…. It’s been 16 years and I’ve ALWAYS made sure that you had flowers, you will never be forgotten, that’s a promise I plan on keeping till the day I die!

I promised you that I’d go get you some flowers the next day.  Well I knew there was something I needed to do but, I couldn’t remember, getting old I guess… Till I passed by the flowers at the store.  So I grabbed a pretty peach cross of flowers, a bee and a frog stick to place there too.  Well I made sure that I left work on time so that I could make it to the grave yard and you’d have fresh flowers for your birthday.  I put the flowers, said I love you and I left with tears in my eyes, saying small doses God, I can only take small doses.  The pain is still there, the ache in my heart will never go away.

So the next morning was your birthday, it’s been 16 long years and I finally smiled on your birthday.  I felt so relieved that you had flowers, I would not have made it through the day had I not put those flowers the day before.  I know it sounds like oh, it’s no big deal he didn’t have flowers to some people but, to me it’s everything!  I want people to know that you are loved, that just because you left us in pregnancy you are a part of our lives.   It hurts me so bad to see a baby’s grave untended, just left to the elements and the weather.

I feel so proud that I was able to make it through the day with a smile.  I believe this is the first time ever….. I also know that you celebrated your birthday with your Daddy, Christian and Grandpa, my Daddy.  Oh, how I long for the day that I can see you all in paradise but, until then I have things to do here on earth.

All my love,

Mommy

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