I’ll love you forever & ever, I’ll meet you all when my chores on earth are done, until then…..

I’ve always loved children, always taking care of babies any time I got the chance as I was growing up.  I looked so forward to growing up, getting married and raising a family of my own.  I longed to have the fulfillment of having a family to call my own, to bring life into this world, to watch my children grow up with pride.  I had this vision of what my family would be like, I’d have 4 or 5 kids, I could hear laughter and see smiles.  I would love & cherish my children, my family.

As I got into my teens I started having a lot of female problems, I would later be diagnosed with endometriosis which caused infertility.  My insides were all messed up from the lesions that the endometriosis caused, I had polyps in my uterus, I had precancerous cells at one point.  When it would be my time of the month I would hurt & flow so heavy that sometimes I could hardly stand up.  I had to leave work/school many days because I was in so much pain.  I fought depression on & off for many years, struggling to get through each day was exhausting to say the least.  Over the years I had 10 surgeries for the endometriosis, several of them were performed at a fertility clinic because I longed to have my baby in my arms.  I would get cyst after cyst on my ovaries, lesion after lesion, my insides would glue together with the endometrial tissue causing me excruciating, debilitating pain day after day.  Surgery would ease the pain for a few months and then the cycle would start all over again, I felt like I was being poisoned.  When I had my first surgery I was astonished at the difference it made, I was about 23 years old, took 1 week off work and when I returned to work I was bouncing off the walls with energy.  My weight would go up & down worse than a yoyo because when I had surgery I had relief from the pain & the tiredness, but when the endometriosis started back up I slowly declined, feeling bad, hurting all the time, not having the energy to be active again.  It was a cycle that repeated & repeated & repeated itself, I felt like I had no way out, no way to control it. I guess in a sense I didn’t.  The doctors did not want to do a hysterectomy because I didn’t have children & I didn’t want a hysterectomy in the beginning.

So you’re probably asking yourself why I’m telling you about this pain, about this horrible disease called endometriosis…. Well you see I have to tell you about the pain that I endured so that you’ll understand the next part of my story…. You probably wonder why I would or how I could endure such pain for years… I’ll tell you why, I knew that if I believed & trusted God enough that I would have my baby, my family that I so longed to have.

After years of doctors, surgeries, procedure after procedure….. I saw a local GYN doctor, he was an older doctor, been delivering babies forever.  Well I went in & when he finished his exam he says, you need to have a hysterectomy.  Your uterus is attached to your colon from the endometriosis lesions.  I broke down, cried, refusing to have a hysterectomy.  I told him that I’m not ready to give up on having my family.  I said, I know that as long as I have all my parts that there’s a chance I’ll get pregnant and I’m believing in God for my miracle.  Mind you my husband and I had been together for about 16 years.  I left that doctor’s office devastated to say the least, I cried for weeks.  One day I was standing in the conference room at work, crying as usual, that’s what I did these days.  A friend walked in and asked what was wrong…. I began telling her what I had found out at the last doctor’s appointment.  She placed her hand on my stomach as we talked.  She looks at me, says I’m praying for you.  I told her–I know.  I just felt it, I could feel the power of God in the midst of us, I started feeling like I had butterflies in my belly at that moment.

Now it’s the week of my birthday, I kept saying oh how I’d love to be pregnant for my birthday.  That would be the best birthday present! My birthday is May 24th.  The week progresses on and my Godchild was born on May 25th, we went to the hospital to see her of course and you know I had to hold that baby!  I did, I held her for the longest and she rested, so content in my arms.  I was in heaven.

A few days later I realized I’m late for my cycle, deep breath, I’m so scared to get my hopes up because I’ve been on that emotional roller coaster way to many times.  I decided that if I hadn’t started by the weekend, I’d go ahead and get a test, I just knew it was going to be negative so if I took it on the weekend, I’d have a couple days to get myself together before going back to work on Monday.  I made the mistake of telling my sister, well that was it!  She was so excited and wanted to know the results like right away…. I hadn’t even made it home yet.  🙂  Well I got home, started supper, going through my evening routine… phone rings, guess who?  You got it, my sister. Did you take the test? she says… I told her not yet, I’m about to eat supper.  I agreed to call her after supper, all the while I’m trying to be coy and not let my husband know what’s going on.  A while later the phone rings again, guess who?  You got it, my sister.  This time she says, I’m not hanging up till you take the test.  So, here goes.  I go to the bathroom, take the test, set it on the counter and it’s POSITIVE!  I started yelling for my husband, Baby it’s positive, it’s positive!! We’re going to have a baby!  My sister is yelling so loud on the phone I thought she busted an eardrum!  My husband kept asking, are you sure?  I’m like well yeah I’m sure, I’ve taken enough of these tests over the years.  Well to appease him, off to Walmart we go at like 10 pm to get another test.  We ended up getting a two pack and we got the good one, Fact Plus.  I took another one when we got home—positive!  Took another one in the morning—positive!!!  My sister laughed and said, I think you can stop taking the tests now, it’s positive!!!  I was overwhelmed with joy, with happiness, with love for my child!!! Well we wanted to wait till we saw the doctor before telling anyone else, of course that didn’t happen.  We were at my mother in law’s house, my husband’s grandmother was there and I was bursting, itching to tell them.   I was trying so hard not to say anything, when asked if I wanted coffee, I declined, stating that I could not have caffeine.  My mother in law’s eyebrows rose a bit.  I didn’t say anything. I walked outside and looked at my husband, he say’s yeah, we can tell them.  I think he was just as excited as I was to tell them!  They were so happy, they cried! My mother in law say’s that she had an idea I was pregnant.  I asked her how she knew…she said that she noticed there was just something different about me a few days before when we were there visiting.

I was on cloud nine!  Bursting with joy and being spoiled by everyone that knew that we were expecting.  When I told my friend that had prayed for me the news she was in awe!  She is a strong woman of faith and she knew how bad I wanted a family of my own.  She said God told her to give me the book What to expect when you’re expecting.  Having no idea that I was pregnant, she was arguing with God, telling him that she couldn’t do that. God kept telling her that yes she could… He knew! He knew because he’s the one that placed that bundle of joy, that child that I would love with all my heart there, there in my womb to grow, drawing life from me, growing inside of me!!

My first doctor’s appt went well.  I got to have my first ultrasound, everything was perfect!  I got to see that perfect little life, the little life that had changed me forever.

I was due January 25, 2006, my Dad’s birthday is January 27th making it even more special.  I couldn’t wait to tell my Daddy!  My husband & I went to tell my parents–I sat in my Daddy’s lap, started rubbing his belly.  I looked at him, smiling from ear to ear and told him, I’m going to get one of them.  He say’s what… I looked at him still smiling, said I’m going to get a big belly!  His eyes lit up!  You’re gonna have a baby! He was tickled pink! When I told him I was due right before his birthday he was like that would be the best birthday present!  Every time he saw me after that he’d tell me he couldn’t wait till his birthday.

Everyone was so happy! They all knew how much this meant to me and my husband, they knew that we had struggled for many years with infertility and for us to finally be expecting was beyond amazing!  One of my friends treated me to Chinese food to celebrate, my co-workers gave me sweet treats, wanted to do my work for me.  Here I am cherishing every moment of being pregnant, taking in all of this spoiling, yet at the same time I’m like, I’m pregnant not broken.

My godchild and I sat on my bed laughing and talking about how I should be feeling the baby move soon, wondering what the name would be, if it was a boy or girl.  She say’s Nanny I can’t wait till you get to the end of your pregnancy and you have to walk.  I’m going to make you walk & walk!  You see I did that to her when she was pregnant and she say’s that will be payback…. I can see us sitting there talking like it was yesterday.

It was the week of the 4th of July, I was going along doing my work, everything was fine.  One evening I started feeling funny, like there was a heaviness in my stomach.  I thought it was ok, I thought the baby was just growing and it was normal.  Well it wasn’t normal.  When I went for my checkup, the nurse had trouble finding the heartbeat.  Finally she found it, said it was low on my belly, but it was ok.  I went to the ultrasound room only to find out that it was not ok! My world turned upside down, I had miscarried!  I screamed!!!!!!!! I want my husband, he was at our gift shop & I had the car.  I begged someone to go get him.  It seemed like hours before he got there, he had to wait for my father in law to get there to bring him to meet me.  We also had our godchildren with us, their mom had a job interview so they stayed with us.  My father in law brought them home with him so that we could go to the hospital.  I felt numb! I felt broken, I felt sick! We got to the hospital and had to sit out in the hall waiting for them to get a room ready for me.  I was shaking, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t believe that this was happening! Then I realize it’s my husband’s birthday! Oh my God why today! of all days on his birthday!  Finally I get into the room, get settled, family started coming in to check on me.  The waiting room was full of people, they were in and out of my room.  Most of them understood that I was in no condition for noise and the last thing I wanted to do was talk.  Finally I yelled everybody out!  I can’t take this, they were talking and laughing while I’m lying there dying inside because in a little while they will have to do surgery to remove my baby! I will never get to see my baby, never get to hold my baby!  One of them say’s it’ll be alright.  I screamed no it won’t!  It’ll never be alright, I lost my baby! My dear sweet grandmother stood there holding my hand, she never I mean NEVER left my side until they took me into the operating room.  She held my hand, rubbed my head, told me she loved me.  I wanted my Mom and Dad… they were fishing and could not be reached.  I just wanted to see them before I went in to surgery…. Well the time came & mom & dad were not there & I had to go…  The last hing I remember before going into surgery is my grandma holding my hand, my husband giving me a kiss and me signing a paper allowing the doctors to take my baby!!!! I don’t know if you’ve ever lost a child or had to sign papers to pull the plug on someone, IT SUCKS! It’s something you never forget!  When I finally came to, the first thing I wanted was my Daddy!  My Daddy knelt down by my bedside, I could see the tears in his eyes.  I said Daddy I’m so sorry.  I knew he wanted his grandbaby so bad.  I felt like I let him down.  I felt broken.  I felt helpless.

Life goes on they say… Life has never been the same for me.  Never!  I think of my babies everyday.  You see this was the second baby I lost.  The first I lost in pregnancy during an adoption.  That literally like to killed me.  I suffered depression for many years, to the point I wanted to take a bottle of nerve pills, that’s when I finally went to the doctor.

So I go back to work the next day and the first person I see wants to say I’m sorry… I stopped him… don’t!!! I can’t!!!

This blog post is dedicated to my baby… I finally named the baby a few years ago.  I felt that they at least deserved to have a name… Christian Rodrigue.  No middle name, not sure if it was a boy or girl, but that was my baby none the less.

January 27, 2017 my Daddy was called home to be with the Lord and I know he was celebrating when he saw my Christian! I’ll love you forever & ever…. I’ll meet you all when my chores on earth are done…. until then…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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