Category Archives: It is better to have loved and lost; Stories of loss that I have faced

Losing an Unforgettable love; Overcoming the intense, vicious suffering called grief

Deep breath I say as I sit here to write this post.  I think of a much happier time, a time when you were here, a time when I could reach out & touch you, a time where I could hear your tender voice…. OHHHHHH how I miss you!!!!! I think of the song “One more day….” I think things have changed, I think HOW on earth could it be that you’ve been gone for a DECADE!!!!!!!!

You were my life, my heart, my soul, my soulmate…. I remember the night that we started talking, you were so shy and reserved but, you finally got the courage up to come talk to me.  I knew from that moment that this was going to be a lifetime commitment.  I immediately started crying because I had never thought of you in that way but, we had a connection, a bond, friendship.  I will never forget you!  I promise!  My heart is bleeding with pain right now as I write this but, I have to write it, I have to process the pain.  If only I didn’t have to go through this, if only you didn’t have to leave.  But, you did have to leave, you fought long and hard, you did not let your illness control you or get you down.  I admired that about you, I draw strength from it now.  You were a very strong willed man, a very proud man and an honest man.

Oh, how I miss talking with you, seeing your smile, the thing I miss the most is hearing you say those words “I love you”.  I remember when you were in the hospital and they had to put you on the ventilator, I cried and all I could think about was this could be the last time that we say I love you to each other…. and it was.  Only God gave me strength to deal with letting you go.  I would not be standing otherwise.  I miss you, there’s not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.  I take solace in the fact that you are not suffering any longer, I feel that it would have been selfish of me to beg you to stay, lying there suffering, bleeding internally.  I knew your body was tired and it was time.  I had to let you go, I had to let you rest, though it broke my heart in a million pieces! The immense pain of seeing you suffer, feeling absolutely helpless was unbearable.

You would be so proud of Caleb & Chevy! They are both going to college to be music teachers.

Caleb started college a couple weeks ago.  Can you believe that!  I got to see him get his diploma, I tell you this was one proud Nanny!!!! I would not have missed it for the world, I knew that if you were here you’d be there.

Chevy is graduating this year and she’s already got it planned out, she’s going to UL because they have the best music program around.  When she told me a couple weeks ago, I was busting at the seams with joy!  I told her “If your Parin was here, he’d be rejoicing!!!!”  But, I know that you’re looking down on us & smiling, keeping watch over us.

Jonathan & Lindsey just bought a house!  I told him that you’d be proud of him!  I know I am!

Heather bought a house recently too, I’m beyond proud of the mother that she is!  She’s struggled & worked hard to raise her kids and raise them she has!

Meah is now in High School.  She’s in band still, of course.  I’m not sure what her major will be because they moved the Music Academy from Lafayette High.  :((

Morrigan is graduating this year too!  She’s doing lots of things, like driving!!!! Well most of the kids have their licence now.  Man I feel old…

Deuce, is in a new program and he’s excelling!  The teachers told Jo to expect him to graduate early!  Our Monkey is growing up too!

Briannah & Neila are both in High School!  They are doing so good too.  They are growing into beautiful young ladies.

Liz is happy being Liz.  You know she’s been independent from the day she came home from the hospital.  Always doing for herself.  She misses you too, she says things from time to time about you or things that you liked…. like the Saints.

You’d be proud of Lil Evy, he’s a worship leader at church, he is very involved with the church.  We always knew he would be, ever since Aunt Shirley started taking him to church as a child.  He was so intrigued….

Anthony…. Oh Anthony!  He’s got a beautiful, godly wife and they go to church with Aunt Shirley.  I went to see them on Easter Sunday, they played in the Passion Play at church.  You could just see the happiness in his face, in his eyes.  He was glowing, it was awesome!

I haven’t seen Brandon or Jessica in a while. I sure do miss them.

Lil Glenn & Tiffany have 2 beautiful children and he works hard to take care of his family.

Fanchon is working at a pre-school.  It’s hard on her but, she loves it!  She said she does it because she loves the kids.  I’m so proud of her & I know you would be too.

Jeremy & Amanda have 2 beautiful girls.  They work hard to take care of them, the girls are beautiful & growing up fast!

I feel a little better now, it’s like I’ve been sitting here talking to you.  I had to find a way to let out my feelings a while back when my Daddy started having health issues.  That’s when I started my blog.  It really helps.

In closing, I’d like to tell you “I love you!” Hug my babies, wait for me on the other side, I’ll be watching for you…..

All my love

Dedicated to my late husband

Christopher Noel

 

 

 

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I’ll love you forever & ever, I’ll meet you all when my chores on earth are done, until then…..

I’ve always loved children, always taking care of babies any time I got the chance as I was growing up.  I looked so forward to growing up, getting married and raising a family of my own.  I longed to have the fulfillment of having a family to call my own, to bring life into this world, to watch my children grow up with pride.  I had this vision of what my family would be like, I’d have 4 or 5 kids, I could hear laughter and see smiles.  I would love & cherish my children, my family.

As I got into my teens I started having a lot of female problems, I would later be diagnosed with endometriosis which caused infertility.  My insides were all messed up from the lesions that the endometriosis caused, I had polyps in my uterus, I had precancerous cells at one point.  When it would be my time of the month I would hurt & flow so heavy that sometimes I could hardly stand up.  I had to leave work/school many days because I was in so much pain.  I fought depression on & off for many years, struggling to get through each day was exhausting to say the least.  Over the years I had 10 surgeries for the endometriosis, several of them were performed at a fertility clinic because I longed to have my baby in my arms.  I would get cyst after cyst on my ovaries, lesion after lesion, my insides would glue together with the endometrial tissue causing me excruciating, debilitating pain day after day.  Surgery would ease the pain for a few months and then the cycle would start all over again, I felt like I was being poisoned.  When I had my first surgery I was astonished at the difference it made, I was about 23 years old, took 1 week off work and when I returned to work I was bouncing off the walls with energy.  My weight would go up & down worse than a yoyo because when I had surgery I had relief from the pain & the tiredness, but when the endometriosis started back up I slowly declined, feeling bad, hurting all the time, not having the energy to be active again.  It was a cycle that repeated & repeated & repeated itself, I felt like I had no way out, no way to control it. I guess in a sense I didn’t.  The doctors did not want to do a hysterectomy because I didn’t have children & I didn’t want a hysterectomy in the beginning.

So you’re probably asking yourself why I’m telling you about this pain, about this horrible disease called endometriosis…. Well you see I have to tell you about the pain that I endured so that you’ll understand the next part of my story…. You probably wonder why I would or how I could endure such pain for years… I’ll tell you why, I knew that if I believed & trusted God enough that I would have my baby, my family that I so longed to have.

After years of doctors, surgeries, procedure after procedure….. I saw a local GYN doctor, he was an older doctor, been delivering babies forever.  Well I went in & when he finished his exam he says, you need to have a hysterectomy.  Your uterus is attached to your colon from the endometriosis lesions.  I broke down, cried, refusing to have a hysterectomy.  I told him that I’m not ready to give up on having my family.  I said, I know that as long as I have all my parts that there’s a chance I’ll get pregnant and I’m believing in God for my miracle.  Mind you my husband and I had been together for about 16 years.  I left that doctor’s office devastated to say the least, I cried for weeks.  One day I was standing in the conference room at work, crying as usual, that’s what I did these days.  A friend walked in and asked what was wrong…. I began telling her what I had found out at the last doctor’s appointment.  She placed her hand on my stomach as we talked.  She looks at me, says I’m praying for you.  I told her–I know.  I just felt it, I could feel the power of God in the midst of us, I started feeling like I had butterflies in my belly at that moment.

Now it’s the week of my birthday, I kept saying oh how I’d love to be pregnant for my birthday.  That would be the best birthday present! My birthday is May 24th.  The week progresses on and my Godchild was born on May 25th, we went to the hospital to see her of course and you know I had to hold that baby!  I did, I held her for the longest and she rested, so content in my arms.  I was in heaven.

A few days later I realized I’m late for my cycle, deep breath, I’m so scared to get my hopes up because I’ve been on that emotional roller coaster way to many times.  I decided that if I hadn’t started by the weekend, I’d go ahead and get a test, I just knew it was going to be negative so if I took it on the weekend, I’d have a couple days to get myself together before going back to work on Monday.  I made the mistake of telling my sister, well that was it!  She was so excited and wanted to know the results like right away…. I hadn’t even made it home yet.  🙂  Well I got home, started supper, going through my evening routine… phone rings, guess who?  You got it, my sister. Did you take the test? she says… I told her not yet, I’m about to eat supper.  I agreed to call her after supper, all the while I’m trying to be coy and not let my husband know what’s going on.  A while later the phone rings again, guess who?  You got it, my sister.  This time she says, I’m not hanging up till you take the test.  So, here goes.  I go to the bathroom, take the test, set it on the counter and it’s POSITIVE!  I started yelling for my husband, Baby it’s positive, it’s positive!! We’re going to have a baby!  My sister is yelling so loud on the phone I thought she busted an eardrum!  My husband kept asking, are you sure?  I’m like well yeah I’m sure, I’ve taken enough of these tests over the years.  Well to appease him, off to Walmart we go at like 10 pm to get another test.  We ended up getting a two pack and we got the good one, Fact Plus.  I took another one when we got home—positive!  Took another one in the morning—positive!!!  My sister laughed and said, I think you can stop taking the tests now, it’s positive!!!  I was overwhelmed with joy, with happiness, with love for my child!!! Well we wanted to wait till we saw the doctor before telling anyone else, of course that didn’t happen.  We were at my mother in law’s house, my husband’s grandmother was there and I was bursting, itching to tell them.   I was trying so hard not to say anything, when asked if I wanted coffee, I declined, stating that I could not have caffeine.  My mother in law’s eyebrows rose a bit.  I didn’t say anything. I walked outside and looked at my husband, he say’s yeah, we can tell them.  I think he was just as excited as I was to tell them!  They were so happy, they cried! My mother in law say’s that she had an idea I was pregnant.  I asked her how she knew…she said that she noticed there was just something different about me a few days before when we were there visiting.

I was on cloud nine!  Bursting with joy and being spoiled by everyone that knew that we were expecting.  When I told my friend that had prayed for me the news she was in awe!  She is a strong woman of faith and she knew how bad I wanted a family of my own.  She said God told her to give me the book What to expect when you’re expecting.  Having no idea that I was pregnant, she was arguing with God, telling him that she couldn’t do that. God kept telling her that yes she could… He knew! He knew because he’s the one that placed that bundle of joy, that child that I would love with all my heart there, there in my womb to grow, drawing life from me, growing inside of me!!

My first doctor’s appt went well.  I got to have my first ultrasound, everything was perfect!  I got to see that perfect little life, the little life that had changed me forever.

I was due January 25, 2006, my Dad’s birthday is January 27th making it even more special.  I couldn’t wait to tell my Daddy!  My husband & I went to tell my parents–I sat in my Daddy’s lap, started rubbing his belly.  I looked at him, smiling from ear to ear and told him, I’m going to get one of them.  He say’s what… I looked at him still smiling, said I’m going to get a big belly!  His eyes lit up!  You’re gonna have a baby! He was tickled pink! When I told him I was due right before his birthday he was like that would be the best birthday present!  Every time he saw me after that he’d tell me he couldn’t wait till his birthday.

Everyone was so happy! They all knew how much this meant to me and my husband, they knew that we had struggled for many years with infertility and for us to finally be expecting was beyond amazing!  One of my friends treated me to Chinese food to celebrate, my co-workers gave me sweet treats, wanted to do my work for me.  Here I am cherishing every moment of being pregnant, taking in all of this spoiling, yet at the same time I’m like, I’m pregnant not broken.

My godchild and I sat on my bed laughing and talking about how I should be feeling the baby move soon, wondering what the name would be, if it was a boy or girl.  She say’s Nanny I can’t wait till you get to the end of your pregnancy and you have to walk.  I’m going to make you walk & walk!  You see I did that to her when she was pregnant and she say’s that will be payback…. I can see us sitting there talking like it was yesterday.

It was the week of the 4th of July, I was going along doing my work, everything was fine.  One evening I started feeling funny, like there was a heaviness in my stomach.  I thought it was ok, I thought the baby was just growing and it was normal.  Well it wasn’t normal.  When I went for my checkup, the nurse had trouble finding the heartbeat.  Finally she found it, said it was low on my belly, but it was ok.  I went to the ultrasound room only to find out that it was not ok! My world turned upside down, I had miscarried!  I screamed!!!!!!!! I want my husband, he was at our gift shop & I had the car.  I begged someone to go get him.  It seemed like hours before he got there, he had to wait for my father in law to get there to bring him to meet me.  We also had our godchildren with us, their mom had a job interview so they stayed with us.  My father in law brought them home with him so that we could go to the hospital.  I felt numb! I felt broken, I felt sick! We got to the hospital and had to sit out in the hall waiting for them to get a room ready for me.  I was shaking, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t believe that this was happening! Then I realize it’s my husband’s birthday! Oh my God why today! of all days on his birthday!  Finally I get into the room, get settled, family started coming in to check on me.  The waiting room was full of people, they were in and out of my room.  Most of them understood that I was in no condition for noise and the last thing I wanted to do was talk.  Finally I yelled everybody out!  I can’t take this, they were talking and laughing while I’m lying there dying inside because in a little while they will have to do surgery to remove my baby! I will never get to see my baby, never get to hold my baby!  One of them say’s it’ll be alright.  I screamed no it won’t!  It’ll never be alright, I lost my baby! My dear sweet grandmother stood there holding my hand, she never I mean NEVER left my side until they took me into the operating room.  She held my hand, rubbed my head, told me she loved me.  I wanted my Mom and Dad… they were fishing and could not be reached.  I just wanted to see them before I went in to surgery…. Well the time came & mom & dad were not there & I had to go…  The last hing I remember before going into surgery is my grandma holding my hand, my husband giving me a kiss and me signing a paper allowing the doctors to take my baby!!!! I don’t know if you’ve ever lost a child or had to sign papers to pull the plug on someone, IT SUCKS! It’s something you never forget!  When I finally came to, the first thing I wanted was my Daddy!  My Daddy knelt down by my bedside, I could see the tears in his eyes.  I said Daddy I’m so sorry.  I knew he wanted his grandbaby so bad.  I felt like I let him down.  I felt broken.  I felt helpless.

Life goes on they say… Life has never been the same for me.  Never!  I think of my babies everyday.  You see this was the second baby I lost.  The first I lost in pregnancy during an adoption.  That literally like to killed me.  I suffered depression for many years, to the point I wanted to take a bottle of nerve pills, that’s when I finally went to the doctor.

So I go back to work the next day and the first person I see wants to say I’m sorry… I stopped him… don’t!!! I can’t!!!

This blog post is dedicated to my baby… I finally named the baby a few years ago.  I felt that they at least deserved to have a name… Christian Rodrigue.  No middle name, not sure if it was a boy or girl, but that was my baby none the less.

January 27, 2017 my Daddy was called home to be with the Lord and I know he was celebrating when he saw my Christian! I’ll love you forever & ever…. I’ll meet you all when my chores on earth are done…. until then…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can finally smile today….It’s been 16 years

I decided to go to the grave yard on the anniversary date of the day we found out we had lost you in pregnancy.  You didn’t have flowers…. I cried, I felt so overwhelmed by despair because you didn’t have flowers…. It’s been 16 years and I’ve ALWAYS made sure that you had flowers, you will never be forgotten, that’s a promise I plan on keeping till the day I die!

I promised you that I’d go get you some flowers the next day.  Well I knew there was something I needed to do but, I couldn’t remember, getting old I guess… Till I passed by the flowers at the store.  So I grabbed a pretty peach cross of flowers, a bee and a frog stick to place there too.  Well I made sure that I left work on time so that I could make it to the grave yard and you’d have fresh flowers for your birthday.  I put the flowers, said I love you and I left with tears in my eyes, saying small doses God, I can only take small doses.  The pain is still there, the ache in my heart will never go away.

So the next morning was your birthday, it’s been 16 long years and I finally smiled on your birthday.  I felt so relieved that you had flowers, I would not have made it through the day had I not put those flowers the day before.  I know it sounds like oh, it’s no big deal he didn’t have flowers to some people but, to me it’s everything!  I want people to know that you are loved, that just because you left us in pregnancy you are a part of our lives.   It hurts me so bad to see a baby’s grave untended, just left to the elements and the weather.

I feel so proud that I was able to make it through the day with a smile.  I believe this is the first time ever….. I also know that you celebrated your birthday with your Daddy, Christian and Grandpa, my Daddy.  Oh, how I long for the day that I can see you all in paradise but, until then I have things to do here on earth.

All my love,

Mommy

You left without saying goodbye….

It was just another ordinary day, getting kids off to school, husband heading off to work….none of us knew that this would be the last time we would hear your voice, smell your perfume, hug you; say I love you until the next time.  But, there would be no next time, there would be no more laughter, family gatherings filled with joy…. only tears, pain, questions filled with anger!  Why! Why!

You were such a loving person, always worried about everyone else, making sure your family had what they needed at all times. Your family was your everything, your absolute mission in life was taking care of your husband and your girls. Your girls are lost without you, aching to have your arms around them again, longing to hear your tender voice.  Longing to hear you say that you love them or that you’re proud of them or even fuss them for doing something they know they should not…..

Your husband has an emptiness in his heart, his heart has been ripped into a million pieces and will never be put back together again.  You shared such a love, took such pride in your family.  You created life in your girls through that love, there will never be another like you.  You are the piece that will forever be missing in his puzzle called life.

Your Mother & Father….your Mother gave you life, she can’t bear the pain of missing you.  Your Father, he’s prideful and tries to hide his pain but, everyone knows he’s hurting, you were of course Daddy’s girl.  The pain wakes your parents in the night, they long to wake up from this nightmare and see your smiling face, kiss you and hug you never to let go…. They realize it’s not a nightmare, not one they can wake up from anyway.

Your brothers and sisters… they too try to stay strong, they feel they have to stay strong for your girls and your husband, your mother & father.  But, they lost a piece of themselves when you left for you are a part of them.  You are in every childhood memory that they have, every birthday party, Christmas, Easter and so on.  You are intertwined in each other like a spider’s web, where one of you ends another begins.

Your Grandmother she too tries to stay strong, she says she’s ok but, you were like one of her own.  She waited on you in the mornings to pick up the girls for school when they had spent the night with her.  She too longs to see you, to hug you, to say I love you….

Many others, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews and numerous friends feel the burden of losing you.  They know how close your family is and how much your family meant to you.

My prayer is that God will somehow give everyone comfort and the peace that only God can give, the peace that surpasses all understanding.  I’ve lost loved ones, children, a husband, a father and my grandparents.  My heart hurts for I know the pain that your closest loved ones are feeling.  I wish I could take all their pain away.  I wish I could go up to Heaven and get you, bring you back home, even for one day…. Just to say that final goodbye….. that final goodbye, that was never said for no one expected you to leave so suddenly.  We all know that you are watching over your loved ones and longing to be with them too.  Fly high sweet angel, we’ll love you forever

In loving memory

For Tabatha Dinger Gross

Crystal G. R. Hoksbergen

She was there; No matter the distance, No matter the hour

So tonight I sit here and write about a lady that loved me like one of her own.  She always made me feel special & never treated me like a step daughter, you were the example of how I want to be with my daughters.  Though I did not give birth to them, I love them like my own.  This woman told everyone I was her daughter, she had me listed as a daughter on her facebook page, at first I didn’t exactly know what to think about it but, I realized that all it meant was that she loved me like one of her own & I was blessed by it.  She used to laugh and tell people that she divorced the husband and kept the kids…

As I got older we got very close, we talked on the phone a lot and spent time together.  I grew to treasure & cherish that time and looked forward to it.  I rode with her delivering plants for a while, we had a blast.  I remember one winter it had iced up and all the trees down the roads were covered in icicles, she thought this was so pretty.  I remember her getting so excited at the beauty of it all.  We stopped on side the road, in a park and other places along the way to snap some pics.  I searched through her pics last night cuz I was sure that I had gotten a pic of her that day but, all I saw was the one that she took of me…. My heart hurt at that point because that is a memory I treasure so much because she was so happy.

I recall when my first husband was in the hospital in New Orleans with a brain hemorrhage, he was having cancer treatment.  I was devastated, worrying about him, not knowing what the future was going to hold.  She, my sister & her husband came late in the night to check on us.  She was there, no matter the distance no matter the hour.  This has always meant a lot to me.

I want to thank you for being there for me, for loving me and guiding me through life’s journey, for blessing me with two beautiful sisters that I treasure.  Anytime I needed you were there, no matter the distance, no matter the hour.  In many ways your love & friendship has helped shape me & mold me into the woman I am today.  I remember as a child you going to bat for me many times…as I recall these memories my heart is full of gratitude and sorrow as I weep because you will no longer be there for me to call when I need advice or to share good news…..

Everyone talked today about your love for each of us, how you wanted things for others more than yourself, how you treasured each one of us in one way or another.  You touched our lives more than you will ever know with your example of generosity and compassion, that is the true meaning of friendship.  You taught us to be ourselves and to value ourselves, that we were important and we were beautiful.

I know that your body was tired, I know that you fought a good fight and that you are resting now and not in pain.  Your wings were ready but, our hearts were not…. Fly high sweet angel, soar with the eagles, dance with the angels and be at peace

All my love,

Your Daughter Crystal

In loving memory of

Kaye Tomlinson Granger

12/31/2016

 

Why do I write of such devastating grief? You ask….

Sometimes things happen that we will NEVER ever understand… People try to comfort you because that’s just human nature, when one hurts those we love hurt and they do and say things to try to make us feel better.  But, there are certain circumstances that NO words will ever make better.  You can comfort more with a touch, a hug or a look than any word spoken.  You can comfort by just being there helping to cook, clean and such.  Just being there to support that loved one that is facing a devastating, life shattering experience.

One of those such devastating experiences is the loss of a child.  A lot of people don’t understand how you could love someone that you have lost in a miscarriage or a baby that is a few days or weeks old.  As a mother or father awaiting that child’s arrival, preparing a room to bring that baby home to, shopping and just enjoying the excitement of the coming baby…you get attached, you fall in love with this little being that is growing inside you.  The father watches his wife’s belly grow, he may talk to the baby while in the womb, he too has his own aspirations for this child that he has never met.  He too is anxiously awaiting the arrival of this child, a child that will change his life forever.

Have you ever had to bury a baby? If not you have NO idea what a mother or father is feeling at that moment.  The ONLY thing you can do to be of any comfort is to be there, no words….

Why do I write of such things you ask?  Well I’ll tell you why…I write of these things because miscarriage and infant loss are one of the most devastating things that a mother or father can face.  Many don’t understand, they will say get over it.  How pray tell do you just “GET OVER IT” You don’t!!! Your life has just been shattered into a million pieces!  You have lost a piece of your heart, a piece of your soul that you’ll never get back!  Not in this lifetime anyway!  You feel like a failure, blame yourself, wonder what you could have done different???  You question your faith in God, why would God bless us with a miracle only to take it away before you’ve had the chance to meet that baby, for those lost in miscarriage.  Or, you’ve never had the chance to raise your baby, for those who have had the joy of holding their little one, even for a short while.  You have no memories of that child’s first ANYTHING…. NOTHING!!!! You wonder about their first steps, first day of school and so on…. When you see others sharing the joy of their children, your heart aches for your child.  You wonder what your child would be like, what they would look like….

When we buried our baby, I had cried so much at the hospital, then preparing for the funeral that I felt I had no tears left at the grave site.  I knelt down by my baby’s tiny coffin feeling guilty because I had no tears left.  My Daddy…. oh my Daddy, a strong man, a man that rarely shows emotion. He reached down picked me up and literally carried me to the car as I was screaming, NO, Daddy!  NO, Daddy!!!  I know that broke my Daddy’s heart.  He looked at me with tear filled eyes and spoke not a word, he rubbed my head and walked away.

Later that year we were all at a family gathering for the holidays, lots of babies around, lots of laughter and holiday cheer. My heart was breaking, I could not take one more second, I was in complete agony!  As I walked out the door someone asked if I was OK?  I shrieked NO!!  I left, not knowing where I was going or what to do.  I just knew I had to get out of there, I could not breathe! I had so much pain bottled up inside, my heart ached, my arms ached, I felt such emptiness inside, I wanted to scream to the top of my lungs.  That’s just what I did, I ended up at my brother’s house.  When I walked in, my brother could see that I was in a bad way. I fell into my brother’s embrace screaming,  bloodcurdling screams, to the top of my lungs!  I WANT MY BABY! I WANT MY BABY!  I JUST WANT TO HOLD MY BABY!  By the time I stopped screaming my brother was crying, he hurt because I hurt.  He comforted me by holding me, giving me a refuge to release the insurmountable grief I was holding onto. He spoke not a word, he just held me.  I don’t think my brother realized until that very moment how horrific the grief actually was for me.  He will never know just what he did for me that day….

How did I survive this loss? I’ll tell you, lots of love and support from my family.  I suffered from PTSD (Post traumatic stress syndrome) which led to depression for many years before I finally faced it.  Looking back I had moments of depression over the years, I just never realized how bad it was.  6 long years after losing my first baby, I got to the point where I would just lay there crying, wanting to end the pain.  I even contemplated taking a bottle of nerve pills.  The ONLY thing that stopped me was knowing that my husband would be the one to find me, I just could not bring myself to do that to him or the rest of my family.  I knew how devastated they would be.   Finally, I went to the doctor, I saw a brochure for PTSD, I was drawn to it.  I answered yes to 6 out of 7 questions.  When they called me to the back I was crying.  The doctor asked why I was crying.  I replied… this is what I do, I cry uncontrollably all day & all night….  I showed her the brochure and she agreed that it was PTSD, which can be triggered by any traumatic event and the loss of a child definitely fits into that category. I was prescribed an anti-depressant, which I only took a few months because I did not want to be dependent on pills.  I can tell you first hand, there is no shame in talking to your doctor if you need help getting over a loss like this.  I thank God I did….

The next time you know of someone who has lost a baby, remember this ….

You can comfort more with a touch, a hug or a look than any word spoken.  You can comfort by just being there helping to cook, clean and such.  Just being there to support that loved one that is facing a devastating, life shattering experience.

 

 

 

 

 

A Mother’s love knows no bounds, no limits

I look up at the stars

A Mother’s love knows no bounds, no limits….hmmm what does that mean?  It means that once you know that a child is coming into your life, your bundle of joy, your heart melts, your lives change.  You start preparing for this change, this forever change, you shop for clothes, you set up a nursery, you literally prepare a place for this child to come home to.  A place that this child will grow up in, be loved in, will laugh and cry in.  You are just bursting with joy awaiting this child’s arrival.

And then, devastation…there will be no baby!!!  Those words “I can’t find the heartbeat” or “Let me get the doctor” and then you hear those unforgettable words “You’ve lost the baby” How are you supposed to handle that!! You scream, you cry, you are in disbelief…you can’t talk, eat, sleep….you are literally lost.  You ask God WHY!!! You blame God, you blame yourself and anyone or anything else that you can think of!

You find other things to focus on, you learn to live again but, you will NEVER be the same!  A part of you is gone, you will never get back.  A huge part of your life has been altered, you wonder, what your baby would grow up to be, you think of your baby when everyone else’s child is making milestones in life–birthdays, school events, holidays and such, you feel the sense of loss, you feel like someone’s missing.  No one knows the depth of your pain, no one can comprehend what you are feeling.

One Christmas we were having a family gathering and we were having a birthday party for one of the kids later in the evening.  All of a sudden I became overwhelmed with pain, with grief.  The grief consumed me, I could not breathe.  Everyone asked are you OK??  I’m like OK?? Do I look OK, I thought…I said NO!!! I left, I didn’t know where I was going to go!  I just couldn’t be around everyone any longer, I couldn’t breathe!  I ended up at my brother’s house and he could see something was bothering me, he knew that I was hurting.  He hugged me and I SCREAMED “I WANT MY BABY!!! I WANT TO HOLD MY BABY!!! I WANT MY BABY!!!” My brother just held me, cried with me.  He will NEVER know how much pain I was feeling at that moment and how much pain I was able to release into his arms, into his hug.  I’m sure I scared him a bit but, I knew he’d be there for me.

It’s been 15 yes fifteen years since we lost our first baby and there’s not a day goes by that he’s not thought about.  I see certain times on the clock that resemble the date that we lost him and he’s the first thing that comes to my mind.   It has gotten easier over the years, but I still have my days.  Boy do I have my days!  I just hold on to the promise that he’s waiting for me in heaven, that one day I’ll see him, I’ll be able to hold him, be able to rock him and play games with him.  That is what gets me through these days.

So till we meet again, all my love, fly high with the rest of the Angels

All my love,

Mommy

A piece of our heart has been lost, stolen like a theif in the night.

Though  our hearts are breaking and we have this emptiness inside that will NEVER be filled we find a way to move on.  We find a way to heal, to let go and listen for the angels singing.  Though many days will come that we won’t know how we will function we somehow manage to do it.  We find a way because we have to, we have to heal, we have to take care of others, we have to find a way.

What am I talking about?  I’m talking about losing a baby in miscarriage.  I’m talking about having a life ripped from you, your life will NEVER be the same.  I’m talking about something that many don’t want to talk about.  I’m talking about something that many will never understand because unless you have been there, you won’t be able to even imagine the pain that our hearts feel.  Our hearts are broken in a million pieces and won’t be able to be put together again, even with all the glue in the world.  A piece of our heart has been lost, stolen like a theif in the night.

I have hypothyroidism and have had other health complications causing hormonal imbalances and infertility.  I would get pains that would be so intense by the time the pain passed I was shaking, literally.  I felt as though I was being slowly poisoned.  After going to the doctor for years with no relief I had my first laproscopic surgery and OMG I felt like I had a new body, I went back to work within a week & I was bouncing off the walls with energy.  But, about every 2 years I had to have surgery because the endometriosis would build up and attack my body.

I remember one day I went to the doctor and he says that my insides were glued together with the endo.  He said you need to have a hysterectomy.  I told him NO!  I’m not ready to give up on the chance that I could conceive a child.  I know that right now I have a chance to get pregnant.  But, if you take my parts then I will give up & I’m not ready to do that.  So a few days later I was standing in the conference room crying and a friend asked me what was wrong, so I told her what the doctor said.  She laid her hand on my stomach and we were talking, all of a sudden she said “I’m praying for you” I said I know.  I just knew…. I started feeling flutters in my belly.  So low & behold a couple weeks later I am late for my cycle.  I was scared to take the test, scared of disappointment, scared of the pain I would feel when the negative test result showed up.  But, my sister would not let me go without taking the test one more day… I took the test and it was postive!!!! I called my husband and I told him, hurry come see, it’s positive!!!!  He wanted to go get another test to be sure and sure enough it was positive too.   I was so scared because I’d lost another baby a few years before and it like to killed me, I went through severe depression.  (That baby was not one that I carried physically, but I carried it in my heart, we were going to adopt and lost the baby in pregnancy) I was careful, but I felt GREAT, I was getting spoiled, getting everything I wanted, getting waited on hand & foot and didn’t even have morning sickness.  Most women are envious of that part.  🙂  Everything seemed fine until one day I started feeling a heaviness in my stomach and I went to the doctor only to find out that I had miscarried.  I screamed!!!!  I want my husband, please go get my husband!!! I was at the doctor by myself and I had my little niece with me.  I just kept screaming!!!!  No not again, not again!!!! Then I had to explain that I had lost the first baby in pregnancy during adoption.  Finally my husband gets there and we send the kids home with their grandparents so that I can go to the hospital.  The doctor talked to me and said that under the circumstances he could do a DNC instead of making me wait.  I was like, yeah I can’t do this!!!!  I felt like a lifetime before they finally got me prepped for surgery.  My family came for support.  But, many of them were acting as though nothing happened.  They said things like “are you alright” HELL NO I’M NOT ALRIGHT!!!!  I wanted my Daddy because I wanted my Daddy but, also I was due around his birthday and he was so excited and kept telling me he could not wait till his birthday.  They could not reach my mom & dad, they were out fishing.  My Grandmother got there and she never left my side, she stood by me rubbing my head, holding my hand.  Oh, my Grandmother.  How I miss her.  My husband did not know what to do, he could not sit still, he was hurting too and he hated to see me hurting.  I had to sign the papers to do the DNC and I hated myself for it for a long time. I did not get to see my Daddy until after the surgery!!!  I cried telling my Daddy I’m so sorry, Daddy!  I’ve never seen my Daddy cry before and that tore me up even more.  My Mama, I could see the pain in her face too.

I did not have a service for this baby, that bothered me, still does.  But, I know I would not have been able to handle laying another baby to rest in a grave.  I did that once and NEVER again!!!!!  It took my years to finally accept that I did the right thing.  That both my babies are in Heaven and I will see them one day.  That’s what I hold on to.  That’s what gets me through.

The most angelic sound I’ve ever heard was the laugh of my nephew one morning right after we lost the first baby.  He was sleeping by me and I could sense the baby was near, he says “Ma, it’s gonna get easier” just like that.  & my nephew laughed, this most angelic laugh and the baby says “He’s playing with me” I’ve only heard that twice, but oh the peace that gives me, to know that he was there in my nephews dreams.  And he was there telling me he was alright and that one day I would be alright.

So, if you’ve never miscarried you will NEVER understand the magnitude of the pain that we are feeling, you will NEVER understand the emptiness that we feel, the guilt that we feel, the lonlieness that we feel.  We will never be able to hold our babies, we will never be able to hear our babies cry, we will never know the joy of motherhood for that child.  That child will never be replaced by another.  There’s a place in our hearts for that child for eternity.  We will wonder what that child would look like, we will remember that child for events such as the first day of school, dating, marriage and so on….

Please be kind and remember that we are greiving and will greive till the end of time for the child that we’ve lost and we will have a bond with other mothers who have lost their children in miscarriage.

Remember these words: “I love you” “I’m here for you” That’s it!!

Dedicated to the memory of my angel babies Cy & Christian, my sister’s many angel babies, my brother Jonathan and our Grandbaby

 

 

From this day forward….we knew our time was borrowed

Twenty four years ago today I said I do to a man, a man that said he fell in love with me at first sight.  & let me tell you I was a sight, young, dumb, nieve and overweight at least to my mind.  I did not always feel like I wa beautiful, it took me a very long time to be comfortable in the body that God blessed me with.  But, this man always made me feel good about myself, his look, his touch was genuine.  Oh, how I miss his touch, his smile, his voice….

When we started dating not everyone understood, not everyone could see the love that I saw in a short time.  No one could feel the love that I felt coming from you.  I was told that I would never find someone to love me the way another did but, I knew better.  I could feel it, it just felt right.  I was always a good girl, so to speak, never caused trouble, never raised a fuss but, for you, for you I did.  I fought for the right to be in a relationship with you, I fought for your honor and I fought for our freedom.  It was not easy to say the least but, it was worth every second of loving you and having you in my life.  Alot of people don’t understand how I’m not mad at God for taking you and I say “How can I be mad when God blessed me with him.  Blessed me.”  We knew not long after we started dating that our time was borrowed, we knew we had to cherish the time that we had with one another for you had health issues and there was no cure.  You were a fighter to say the least, you gave it your all and then some!  You lived with a horrible disease, but you didn’t see it that way, you saw it as a way of life, you saw it as oh well, just something else that I have to deal with.  You kept your cool, you accepted it and lived your life.  You lived such a normal life that sometimes we forgot that we were on borrowed time and took things for granted and then you would have an episode or something else would happen & bring us back to the reality that we would ultimately face.  We prepared far in advance for the end that we knew we would face.

You wrote in a notebook “I want you to know how much I love you, I need you.”  It was a notebook FULL of things about our love for each other.  I sat in the closet reading that notebook, crying my fool head off.  You had been ill at the time and that made it harder emotionally to ready so I picked it up…..I lost that notebook and after you died I searched for it.  I’m not sure if I would have been able to read it but, I just wanted to hold it.  Maybe some day I would have had the strength to read it.  Maybe…..

I try to remember the good things, the good days, the love, the faith, the kids, oh how I miss my babies, you know they’re not babies anymore.  They are growing into young adults and having babies of their own.  I miss the nights of playing hide & seek or listening to the kids in the den playing video games.  Our house was so busy during the summers and the holidays.  That house was more than a house, it was home.  At least it was home with you and the kids there.  Without you it was no longer home.  It no longer held that special place for me.  It no longer offered me rest & refuge.  NO, it was empty, it was painful, it was cold!!!  I hurt there, I could not breathe there, I could not stay there!!!!

So today makes 24 years that you & I said “From this day forward….till death do us part” and it’s been 8 years since I saw you last.  Though I think of you daily, it’s gotten easier over time.  You will always hold a special place in my heart.  You’d be proud of me, I’m doing well,  I’m working hard and doing my best to stay on the right track.

I’ve found love again, as I promised you I would.  It was difficult at first but, I knew I could not do this alone, I needed someone to give me strength.  Someone to lean on.  He respects your memory and I think that’s what I love about him most.  God has blessed me with a whole new family and sometimes it’s overwhelming the love that I feel for them.  It’s like they’ve been in my life the whole time, I could not imagine my life without them.

So you would have enjoyed supper tonight, my brother came in with a choupic and a few bass.  He was asking Mama if she wanted it and I was like choupic!!! I want it, I knew mom would enjoy it too.  So he made me clean the fish, Lord that’s something I haven’t done in a while and you could tell.  I did alright I guess but, I butchered some of them.  LOL  Well we made choupic patties, everyone enjoyed them….I know I did!!! Well I just wanted to say hi and tell you that I love you and I miss you!  Happy Anniversary, I hope you had a grand day in Heaven, kiss our babies and hug my grandparents for me!

Till next time….

I’ll meet you when my chores are through,

Love me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With deepest sympathy….I carry your heart

I carry your heart

My heart is so heavy tonight for I know the pain that our little girl feels.  I cannot express how deep my symapthy goes, it goes beyond the depths of my soul.  My heart aches for her for I know the emptiness that she feels, I know the sorrow, the pain, the anger, the questions –why, why me, why now, why!!!!!

How can I comfort her, how can I make the pain go away?  Thing is I can’t & I know I can’t and that absolutely kills me!  We were all so excited to learn there was going to be another bundle of joy to love, to hold and spoil rotten.  & then I get word this morning that our little girls life was shattered, her baby gained it’s heavenly wings.  My heart skipped a beat, my mouth dropped in disbelief.  I prayed that our girls would never have to feel the pain that the loss of a child brings, it’s so heavy, so strong, so deep it cuts you like a knife in the heart, it cripples you, it can consume you.

It’s been 14 years since I lost my first baby and it still seems like yesterday.  I still sense him around me from time to time and there’s never a day that goes by that I don’t think about him.  I wonder what he would be doing about now, I see all the other kids dating and wonder who he would be bringing to the dance and things like that.

I know that sense of loss all to well, all I can really do for our little girl is to pray for God to comfort her, for God to give her peace and strength to get through this tough time.  You see I’ve always held strong to my faith and trusted God to get me through the tough things in my life.  I pray that her and her little family will draw nearer to God and draw strength from him.

To our little “Angel Baby” we love you, we long to hold you, we long to hear your cry, your laugh, see your smile, hold your hand and on and on…. Know that we will NEVER FORGET you!  We carry your heart, we carry your heart in our hearts….Fly high, soar with the eagles and watch for us when our time comes to meet you in Glory Land!!

All my love, Grandma

I carry your heart poem