I stood in Walmart crying my eyes out tonight. I’ve been very emotional lately, fighting with my husband, crying at the drop of a hat…not even realizing why. I’m on the phone with a friend and she says something about having an emptiness because she lost her son when he was a teenager, she never got to see him grow up, never got to see him graduate from high school or marry or have kids. I burst into tears realizing that tomorrow marks 14 years that my first baby was due to be born, he did not survive….we lost him in April of 2001. That was the hardest thing in my life to handle. It nearly cost me my life, literally.
We were all set to adopt a little one, had the room ready, had our hearts full and our hopes up. Then one day we get the horrible news that we lost the baby. I was broken, I was devestated. This was a very hard thing to face, to loose a child is one of the hardest and most painful events one could ever face. To top it off we found out on my dear mother and my father in law’s birthday. I had to come and tell my mom that we lost the baby on her birthday….for many years and sometimes even now, after 14 years I oft forget that it’s her birthday, the pain overwhelms me. I cry for no reason weeks before the date. I’ve tried to find positive things to focus on, sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn’t. After the baby came, the social worker got him ready and we were able to see him. I wanted to make as many memories as I could with him because I knew that they would have to last until I meet him in Heaven. I rocked him and sang to him and told him how much I loved him. He was tiny, I remember looking at his fingernails and toe nails. I can’t explain it, I can still see how tiny they were but, they were perfect. I wanted to remember everything about him. We had a funeral for him, he was passed through a local church and then buried between his great grand parents. That day has been forever engrained in my mind. My sister’s husband made a mahogany coffin for him, he made it and brought it to the funeral home and he would not leave until the staff made sure that the styrofoam one would fit inside of the one he made. I am forever grateful for that, I could never repay him for the kindness that he showed. I know it had to be very hard emotionally on him but, he did not show it. Most men have a way of hiding their emotions well. The day of the funeral, I knelt down beside the grave and wept, the pain was so deep, it cut me like a knife. I could not bear the thought of leaving my baby there, he belonged in my arms, he belonged in my house, he belonged with me! I was very angry that he was taken from us, I still don’t understand it. My Daddy picked me up from the gravesite and carried me to the car, the whole time I’m screaming No Daddy, No Daddy!!! I’ve never seen so much pain on my Daddy’s face as I did that day. He hurt because I hurt. He wept with me, he held me until I could compose myself. Over the next few months and years I fought depression, not knowing for a LONG time. I kept going to the doctor thinking it was my asthma….little did I know, depression causes respritory problems. One doctor asked me early on “Do you have depression?” I was like I don’t know, you are the doctor, you tell me. I continued to go in and out of bouts of depression until finally I got to the point I would lay in bed and think about taking a bottle on nerve pills to end it all. I did not commit the act….although I struggled with it for many nights. Finally I knew I had to go to the doctor. Thank God I felt the love of my family, I knew that if I took my life they would be devastated. So I told my doctor that I needed something for depression and I had a lump in my throat. He sent me over to the Thyroid doctor and while there I saw a pamphlet and was drawn to it. It was on Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome PTSD. I read it, tears falling down my face–
- Have you been through a traumatic event–like the sudden loss of a loved one, a wreck, an attack?
- Do you avoid going places that remind you of the event?
- Do you avoid family and friends?
- Do you relive the event?
There were a few more questions but, you get the idea. So when I went in to see the doctor I was crying. Tears just falling down my face. She says, why are you crying. I said–this is what I do, cry. I can’t control it. I talked to her about the pamphlet and she said I definitely had PTSD. She said that it was caused by the sudden loss of the baby. She put me on an antidepressant, Zoloft. I did not want to be dependant on medicine so I took it for 3 or 4 months and then I was able to wean myself off of it and I’ve been fine. A couple of times I thought that I may have to go back on it but, I was able to regroup emotionally and I was ok. I just know that there are certain times that I will cry or be a bit more emotional and once those days pass I’m usually ok.
My advice to you is, do not be ashamed if you need help. I was ashamed–for a long time actually. I did not want that stigma attached to me. I never did tell the doctor how close I was to taking my life. I just thank God every day that my sister listened to me and encouraged me to go to the doctor. I thank God that I had enough strength to realize that taking my life would devastate my family.
Pay attention to the warning signs. Hold on and focus on the positive in your life. Pray for strength and go talk to your doctor before it’s too late. If you see someone struggling with depression encourage them to go talk to their doctor. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
After I was diagnosed with depression I had people say “Oh, that’s what I was scared you had” I was like REALLY, and not one person came up to me and said I think you have depression, I’m going to help you talk to the doctor. I mean I spoke to my sister and she helped me alot but, I suffered a LONG time.
Remember God loves you and so does your family, they need you…..
Dedicated to my little Angel “Cy” all my love, Ma