Losing an Unforgettable love; Overcoming the intense, vicious suffering called grief

Deep breath I say as I sit here to write this post.  I think of a much happier time, a time when you were here, a time when I could reach out & touch you, a time where I could hear your tender voice…. OHHHHHH how I miss you!!!!! I think of the song “One more day….” I think things have changed, I think HOW on earth could it be that you’ve been gone for a DECADE!!!!!!!!

You were my life, my heart, my soul, my soulmate…. I remember the night that we started talking, you were so shy and reserved but, you finally got the courage up to come talk to me.  I knew from that moment that this was going to be a lifetime commitment.  I immediately started crying because I had never thought of you in that way but, we had a connection, a bond, friendship.  I will never forget you!  I promise!  My heart is bleeding with pain right now as I write this but, I have to write it, I have to process the pain.  If only I didn’t have to go through this, if only you didn’t have to leave.  But, you did have to leave, you fought long and hard, you did not let your illness control you or get you down.  I admired that about you, I draw strength from it now.  You were a very strong willed man, a very proud man and an honest man.

Oh, how I miss talking with you, seeing your smile, the thing I miss the most is hearing you say those words “I love you”.  I remember when you were in the hospital and they had to put you on the ventilator, I cried and all I could think about was this could be the last time that we say I love you to each other…. and it was.  Only God gave me strength to deal with letting you go.  I would not be standing otherwise.  I miss you, there’s not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.  I take solace in the fact that you are not suffering any longer, I feel that it would have been selfish of me to beg you to stay, lying there suffering, bleeding internally.  I knew your body was tired and it was time.  I had to let you go, I had to let you rest, though it broke my heart in a million pieces! The immense pain of seeing you suffer, feeling absolutely helpless was unbearable.

You would be so proud of Caleb & Chevy! They are both going to college to be music teachers.

Caleb started college a couple weeks ago.  Can you believe that!  I got to see him get his diploma, I tell you this was one proud Nanny!!!! I would not have missed it for the world, I knew that if you were here you’d be there.

Chevy is graduating this year and she’s already got it planned out, she’s going to UL because they have the best music program around.  When she told me a couple weeks ago, I was busting at the seams with joy!  I told her “If your Parin was here, he’d be rejoicing!!!!”  But, I know that you’re looking down on us & smiling, keeping watch over us.

Jonathan & Lindsey just bought a house!  I told him that you’d be proud of him!  I know I am!

Heather bought a house recently too, I’m beyond proud of the mother that she is!  She’s struggled & worked hard to raise her kids and raise them she has!

Meah is now in High School.  She’s in band still, of course.  I’m not sure what her major will be because they moved the Music Academy from Lafayette High.  :((

Morrigan is graduating this year too!  She’s doing lots of things, like driving!!!! Well most of the kids have their licence now.  Man I feel old…

Deuce, is in a new program and he’s excelling!  The teachers told Jo to expect him to graduate early!  Our Monkey is growing up too!

Briannah & Neila are both in High School!  They are doing so good too.  They are growing into beautiful young ladies.

Liz is happy being Liz.  You know she’s been independent from the day she came home from the hospital.  Always doing for herself.  She misses you too, she says things from time to time about you or things that you liked…. like the Saints.

You’d be proud of Lil Evy, he’s a worship leader at church, he is very involved with the church.  We always knew he would be, ever since Aunt Shirley started taking him to church as a child.  He was so intrigued….

Anthony…. Oh Anthony!  He’s got a beautiful, godly wife and they go to church with Aunt Shirley.  I went to see them on Easter Sunday, they played in the Passion Play at church.  You could just see the happiness in his face, in his eyes.  He was glowing, it was awesome!

I haven’t seen Brandon or Jessica in a while. I sure do miss them.

Lil Glenn & Tiffany have 2 beautiful children and he works hard to take care of his family.

Fanchon is working at a pre-school.  It’s hard on her but, she loves it!  She said she does it because she loves the kids.  I’m so proud of her & I know you would be too.

Jeremy & Amanda have 2 beautiful girls.  They work hard to take care of them, the girls are beautiful & growing up fast!

I feel a little better now, it’s like I’ve been sitting here talking to you.  I had to find a way to let out my feelings a while back when my Daddy started having health issues.  That’s when I started my blog.  It really helps.

In closing, I’d like to tell you “I love you!” Hug my babies, wait for me on the other side, I’ll be watching for you…..

All my love

Dedicated to my late husband

Christopher Noel





I’ll love you forever & ever, I’ll meet you all when my chores on earth are done, until then…..

I’ve always loved children, always taking care of babies any time I got the chance as I was growing up.  I looked so forward to growing up, getting married and raising a family of my own.  I longed to have the fulfillment of having a family to call my own, to bring life into this world, to watch my children grow up with pride.  I had this vision of what my family would be like, I’d have 4 or 5 kids, I could hear laughter and see smiles.  I would love & cherish my children, my family.

As I got into my teens I started having a lot of female problems, I would later be diagnosed with endometriosis which caused infertility.  My insides were all messed up from the lesions that the endometriosis caused, I had polyps in my uterus, I had precancerous cells at one point.  When it would be my time of the month I would hurt & flow so heavy that sometimes I could hardly stand up.  I had to leave work/school many days because I was in so much pain.  I fought depression on & off for many years, struggling to get through each day was exhausting to say the least.  Over the years I had 10 surgeries for the endometriosis, several of them were performed at a fertility clinic because I longed to have my baby in my arms.  I would get cyst after cyst on my ovaries, lesion after lesion, my insides would glue together with the endometrial tissue causing me excruciating, debilitating pain day after day.  Surgery would ease the pain for a few months and then the cycle would start all over again, I felt like I was being poisoned.  When I had my first surgery I was astonished at the difference it made, I was about 23 years old, took 1 week off work and when I returned to work I was bouncing off the walls with energy.  My weight would go up & down worse than a yoyo because when I had surgery I had relief from the pain & the tiredness, but when the endometriosis started back up I slowly declined, feeling bad, hurting all the time, not having the energy to be active again.  It was a cycle that repeated & repeated & repeated itself, I felt like I had no way out, no way to control it. I guess in a sense I didn’t.  The doctors did not want to do a hysterectomy because I didn’t have children & I didn’t want a hysterectomy in the beginning.

So you’re probably asking yourself why I’m telling you about this pain, about this horrible disease called endometriosis…. Well you see I have to tell you about the pain that I endured so that you’ll understand the next part of my story…. You probably wonder why I would or how I could endure such pain for years… I’ll tell you why, I knew that if I believed & trusted God enough that I would have my baby, my family that I so longed to have.

After years of doctors, surgeries, procedure after procedure….. I saw a local GYN doctor, he was an older doctor, been delivering babies forever.  Well I went in & when he finished his exam he says, you need to have a hysterectomy.  Your uterus is attached to your colon from the endometriosis lesions.  I broke down, cried, refusing to have a hysterectomy.  I told him that I’m not ready to give up on having my family.  I said, I know that as long as I have all my parts that there’s a chance I’ll get pregnant and I’m believing in God for my miracle.  Mind you my husband and I had been together for about 16 years.  I left that doctor’s office devastated to say the least, I cried for weeks.  One day I was standing in the conference room at work, crying as usual, that’s what I did these days.  A friend walked in and asked what was wrong…. I began telling her what I had found out at the last doctor’s appointment.  She placed her hand on my stomach as we talked.  She looks at me, says I’m praying for you.  I told her–I know.  I just felt it, I could feel the power of God in the midst of us, I started feeling like I had butterflies in my belly at that moment.

Now it’s the week of my birthday, I kept saying oh how I’d love to be pregnant for my birthday.  That would be the best birthday present! My birthday is May 24th.  The week progresses on and my Godchild was born on May 25th, we went to the hospital to see her of course and you know I had to hold that baby!  I did, I held her for the longest and she rested, so content in my arms.  I was in heaven.

A few days later I realized I’m late for my cycle, deep breath, I’m so scared to get my hopes up because I’ve been on that emotional roller coaster way to many times.  I decided that if I hadn’t started by the weekend, I’d go ahead and get a test, I just knew it was going to be negative so if I took it on the weekend, I’d have a couple days to get myself together before going back to work on Monday.  I made the mistake of telling my sister, well that was it!  She was so excited and wanted to know the results like right away…. I hadn’t even made it home yet.  🙂  Well I got home, started supper, going through my evening routine… phone rings, guess who?  You got it, my sister. Did you take the test? she says… I told her not yet, I’m about to eat supper.  I agreed to call her after supper, all the while I’m trying to be coy and not let my husband know what’s going on.  A while later the phone rings again, guess who?  You got it, my sister.  This time she says, I’m not hanging up till you take the test.  So, here goes.  I go to the bathroom, take the test, set it on the counter and it’s POSITIVE!  I started yelling for my husband, Baby it’s positive, it’s positive!! We’re going to have a baby!  My sister is yelling so loud on the phone I thought she busted an eardrum!  My husband kept asking, are you sure?  I’m like well yeah I’m sure, I’ve taken enough of these tests over the years.  Well to appease him, off to Walmart we go at like 10 pm to get another test.  We ended up getting a two pack and we got the good one, Fact Plus.  I took another one when we got home—positive!  Took another one in the morning—positive!!!  My sister laughed and said, I think you can stop taking the tests now, it’s positive!!!  I was overwhelmed with joy, with happiness, with love for my child!!! Well we wanted to wait till we saw the doctor before telling anyone else, of course that didn’t happen.  We were at my mother in law’s house, my husband’s grandmother was there and I was bursting, itching to tell them.   I was trying so hard not to say anything, when asked if I wanted coffee, I declined, stating that I could not have caffeine.  My mother in law’s eyebrows rose a bit.  I didn’t say anything. I walked outside and looked at my husband, he say’s yeah, we can tell them.  I think he was just as excited as I was to tell them!  They were so happy, they cried! My mother in law say’s that she had an idea I was pregnant.  I asked her how she knew…she said that she noticed there was just something different about me a few days before when we were there visiting.

I was on cloud nine!  Bursting with joy and being spoiled by everyone that knew that we were expecting.  When I told my friend that had prayed for me the news she was in awe!  She is a strong woman of faith and she knew how bad I wanted a family of my own.  She said God told her to give me the book What to expect when you’re expecting.  Having no idea that I was pregnant, she was arguing with God, telling him that she couldn’t do that. God kept telling her that yes she could… He knew! He knew because he’s the one that placed that bundle of joy, that child that I would love with all my heart there, there in my womb to grow, drawing life from me, growing inside of me!!

My first doctor’s appt went well.  I got to have my first ultrasound, everything was perfect!  I got to see that perfect little life, the little life that had changed me forever.

I was due January 25, 2006, my Dad’s birthday is January 27th making it even more special.  I couldn’t wait to tell my Daddy!  My husband & I went to tell my parents–I sat in my Daddy’s lap, started rubbing his belly.  I looked at him, smiling from ear to ear and told him, I’m going to get one of them.  He say’s what… I looked at him still smiling, said I’m going to get a big belly!  His eyes lit up!  You’re gonna have a baby! He was tickled pink! When I told him I was due right before his birthday he was like that would be the best birthday present!  Every time he saw me after that he’d tell me he couldn’t wait till his birthday.

Everyone was so happy! They all knew how much this meant to me and my husband, they knew that we had struggled for many years with infertility and for us to finally be expecting was beyond amazing!  One of my friends treated me to Chinese food to celebrate, my co-workers gave me sweet treats, wanted to do my work for me.  Here I am cherishing every moment of being pregnant, taking in all of this spoiling, yet at the same time I’m like, I’m pregnant not broken.

My godchild and I sat on my bed laughing and talking about how I should be feeling the baby move soon, wondering what the name would be, if it was a boy or girl.  She say’s Nanny I can’t wait till you get to the end of your pregnancy and you have to walk.  I’m going to make you walk & walk!  You see I did that to her when she was pregnant and she say’s that will be payback…. I can see us sitting there talking like it was yesterday.

It was the week of the 4th of July, I was going along doing my work, everything was fine.  One evening I started feeling funny, like there was a heaviness in my stomach.  I thought it was ok, I thought the baby was just growing and it was normal.  Well it wasn’t normal.  When I went for my checkup, the nurse had trouble finding the heartbeat.  Finally she found it, said it was low on my belly, but it was ok.  I went to the ultrasound room only to find out that it was not ok! My world turned upside down, I had miscarried!  I screamed!!!!!!!! I want my husband, he was at our gift shop & I had the car.  I begged someone to go get him.  It seemed like hours before he got there, he had to wait for my father in law to get there to bring him to meet me.  We also had our godchildren with us, their mom had a job interview so they stayed with us.  My father in law brought them home with him so that we could go to the hospital.  I felt numb! I felt broken, I felt sick! We got to the hospital and had to sit out in the hall waiting for them to get a room ready for me.  I was shaking, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t believe that this was happening! Then I realize it’s my husband’s birthday! Oh my God why today! of all days on his birthday!  Finally I get into the room, get settled, family started coming in to check on me.  The waiting room was full of people, they were in and out of my room.  Most of them understood that I was in no condition for noise and the last thing I wanted to do was talk.  Finally I yelled everybody out!  I can’t take this, they were talking and laughing while I’m lying there dying inside because in a little while they will have to do surgery to remove my baby! I will never get to see my baby, never get to hold my baby!  One of them say’s it’ll be alright.  I screamed no it won’t!  It’ll never be alright, I lost my baby! My dear sweet grandmother stood there holding my hand, she never I mean NEVER left my side until they took me into the operating room.  She held my hand, rubbed my head, told me she loved me.  I wanted my Mom and Dad… they were fishing and could not be reached.  I just wanted to see them before I went in to surgery…. Well the time came & mom & dad were not there & I had to go…  The last hing I remember before going into surgery is my grandma holding my hand, my husband giving me a kiss and me signing a paper allowing the doctors to take my baby!!!! I don’t know if you’ve ever lost a child or had to sign papers to pull the plug on someone, IT SUCKS! It’s something you never forget!  When I finally came to, the first thing I wanted was my Daddy!  My Daddy knelt down by my bedside, I could see the tears in his eyes.  I said Daddy I’m so sorry.  I knew he wanted his grandbaby so bad.  I felt like I let him down.  I felt broken.  I felt helpless.

Life goes on they say… Life has never been the same for me.  Never!  I think of my babies everyday.  You see this was the second baby I lost.  The first I lost in pregnancy during an adoption.  That literally like to killed me.  I suffered depression for many years, to the point I wanted to take a bottle of nerve pills, that’s when I finally went to the doctor.

So I go back to work the next day and the first person I see wants to say I’m sorry… I stopped him… don’t!!! I can’t!!!

This blog post is dedicated to my baby… I finally named the baby a few years ago.  I felt that they at least deserved to have a name… Christian Rodrigue.  No middle name, not sure if it was a boy or girl, but that was my baby none the less.

January 27, 2017 my Daddy was called home to be with the Lord and I know he was celebrating when he saw my Christian! I’ll love you forever & ever…. I’ll meet you all when my chores on earth are done…. until then…..








I recall tender memories as Father begins to fade

So tomorrow is Father’s day and you know how you always think of what to get Dad, what would dad like, what would dad be able to use???  Well over the years that was not too difficult as my dad was a hard worker, a fisherman, a mechanic, a gardener…  He did pretty much anything he wanted to do & let me tell you he was not afraid of working hard, getting his hands dirty and getting the job done.  Fast forward about 30 years and now my dad can barely get around on his own, he sits in his chair about 90% of the time during the day.

I try to remember the good times that we had, I remember one morning daddy came in from work and I was getting ready for school, mom was rushing trying to get me ready for the bus, combing my hair with me crying of course…. so daddy fussed at my mama a lil bit & gave her that sideways grin and said “come see my baby, I’ll comb your hair, he sat there and hand picked the knots out of my hair, I’ll never forget looking at all those knots in the ashtray and thinking, that didn’t hurt at all.  I felt loved, I felt special, I felt important to my daddy.  I know it may seem like such a small thing but, I think of this often and thank God for those tender moments in my memory.

I remember going get daddy late one night because my chest hurt, I told him I couldn’t breathe, he says are you sure it’s not just indigestion, I was not sure.  So he didn’t complain, he got up, got my asthma medicine and came sit on the side of my bed to make sure I was alright.  I can still see him sitting there in my memory.

I remember once I was home sick, one of the many times, and I had been laying down.  Well when I got up I went to give Daddy a hug and he said oh my God girl you are burning up!  So he got some alcohol and ice and started wiping me down with it.  I was so hot that this cold rag felt so good.  I’m not sure how high my temp was, but it was enough to scare him.

I remember when I had surgery daddy came stay a night with me at the hospital and he had to write down all fluids that I had and he was picking on me about having to take notes.  & I wanted some chips, he went to the chip machine and got me some Bugles, I tell you to this day when I see a bag of Bugles, I think about that night and I think about my daddy.

I remember daddy taking us to the camp when we were younger.  He would work 3 straight weeks at work so that he could have 3 weeks off with us.  We would go to the camp, hunt, fish, swim…  Daddy tied a rope around each myself and my brother and he made us swim across the bayou, all the while he’s in the boat holding onto that rope, right there to catch us if something went wrong.  I felt such love, such pride in him while he was teaching us things.

I remember getting into trouble and feeling the disappointment come out from him while correcting me.  I felt the pain that he felt from having to correct me.  I know my daddy didn’t scold me to be mean, he scolded me to teach me right from wrong, he scolded me to show me that there are certain things that you just don’t do.  I am eternally grateful that he was stern with me, he taught me to respect my elders, to love others and to always be honest.

I remember alot of times, all daddy had to do was look at me & I knew whatever I was doing I better stop.  Also, all he had to do was point when he wanted something done, like cleaning the kitchen at night, and I knew, hop to it….

I didn’t argue with my dad growing up, we had our moments don’t get me wrong but, I respect him, I respect my mother too.  I’ve never raised my voice to my daddy and I don’t plan to.

There are many other memories that I hold dear of my Father and I could go on for many hours, maybe even days…. but, I’m hoping you get the point of how important it is to have a Daddy in your life.  That stern figure in your life, that you learn to love and respect.  That figure that you learn from as he guides by example.  I’m not saying that everyday was perfect.  That would not be true, what I am saying is that I’ve learned that you hold on to the good memories, the fun memories.  The good memories far outweigh the bad.  I cherish each and every memory that I have with my Daddy, I thank God for him and my mom everyday.  I’m just talking more about my Daddy because it’s father’s day.

It breaks my heart to see the man that was so strong, so stern with us as children, such a hard worker, not afraid of nothing slipping away to this thief in the night, this disease that is stealing my Daddy from me!  Dementia (Alzheimer disease) is a horrifying, debilitating disease and it affects the whole family, just like cancer does.   I see him drifting off to a world that is dark, a world that he does not understand, a world where he has no control.

Things that my Dad would NEVER  let anyone else do around the house are now being done by my Mom, myself or my brother.  We are having to step up in the maintenance of the house, the yard work and such.  My niece has been cutting the grass for quite some time now and I honestly don’t know what we would do without her helping.

Daddy has come to enjoy going to a local restaurant on Fridays for frog legs, I tell you he can eat for hours.  My niece usually goes with them and she helps get everything situated while my mom helps my Daddy in.  My niece gets Dad a drink, sets his food out, helps bring in the groceries, if they’ve gone to the store & usually they do, she lets the dogs out and such.  All Daddy has to do is go in & sit down with his plate.  She takes great pride in helping to take care of him, assisting my mom with chores.  Sometimes Mom has to ask her more than once to do things but, that’s just being a kid.

I’ve come to learn many years ago to cherish loved ones, to thank God for the time that you have been blessed with them.  It is easy to take things for granted and sometimes I do have to catch myself and remember that we’re not promised tomorrow.  I do thank God for blessing me with such a loving family, such a strong family.

So this is a small tribute to my father on father’s day.  A tribute to thank you for all that you have done for us, all you have sacrificed, all the hard work over the years and all the time that you took to teach us values and respect.

All my love,

Your Daughter

Things Never To Say To Anyone Who Has Lost A Child 2

My sister wrote a blog post on 10 things never to say to anyone who has lost a child in honor of mine and my sister’s babies lost in miscarriage.  We kind of talked about it the other day and she shared it with me today, here’s my take on it.  Oh, and there’s a link to her post here so you can read that as well.

Let’s start with my story, my first husband and I longed to have children, many children.  We both loved children and we always had neices and nephews spending weekends and summers with us.  I had LOTS of female problems and had to have multiple surgeries for endometriosis because I would be in pain so bad I could hardly stand up at times.  I would hurt almost constantly and had to go in for surgery about every 2 years to have the endometriosis and cysts removed to relieve the pain.  I told the doctor I felt like I was being poisoned.  Once I had surgery I would be bursting with energy for a few months then the cycle would start all over again.

All I wanted was to have a bundle of joy in my arms, my child, to hear my child laugh, play, watch him or her grow and celebrate whatever events came our way.  I longed to cuddle MY child, hold his or her hand, kiss their booboos, the way a Mommy does.  Is that too much to ask?  I would beg God, please let me be pregnant this month!  When I would start my period I would cry for days, I would get angry with anyone and everyone that even looked at me wrong.  We tried fertility treatments,  I took shots and had procedures done….nothing!   One of the doctors asked me one day how I kept going, how I could put one foot in front of the other?  I told him, by the grace of God is all.  Even though I was angry that I could not get pregnant I knew deep down that God was there with me, giving me strength.   After YEARS of emotional roller coasters–up and down, up and down I went to a local doctor and after having an exam done he tells me that I need a hysterectomy.  I said NO!  Funny thing because none of the other doctors had ever agreed to do a hysterectomy because I did not have any children of my own.  I told him NO, I’m not ready to accept that I will NEVER have children of my own.  As long as I have my parts I know that there is a chance I can get pregnant.  He says Ok, but if you change your mind come back.  Well I’m in the conference room at work crying my eyes out and a friend of mine comes up and asks me what is wrong.  I told her what the doctor said and she placed her hand on my stomach and started praying.  I knew she was praying, I can’t explain it, I just knew.  I started feeling butterflies in my belly, I didn’t understand it, but I felt it.  When the time comes for my period I’m 10 days late and I dreaded taking the test.  Finally I called my sister and she said take a test!  I reluctantly picked up a test at the dollar store, being cheap…. So I got home, cooked supper and then my sister calls, she said “Did you take the test?”  I said NO…. She says “I’m not hanging up till you take the test”  So I took the test and OMG it was positive!  I started yelling for my husband, I told him it was positive, he said you sure, I said yeah!  As many times as I’ve taken them I should know….We were beyond happy, we were ecstatic!  Finally after 16 years of trying, we were going to have a baby!  A baby! I go to the doctor and they said everything looked fine, I worked, I felt fine.  To tell you the truth I felt perfect!  I had just a twinge of nausea if I didn’t eat breakfast and that was it for morning sickness!  I was on cloud nine, had everyone waiting on me, giving me everything I wanted, I was glowing.  Until one day I go to the doctor and they couldn’t find the heartbeat, then the nurse found it, she said it was a little low on my belly, but it was a good strong heartbeat.  I was like PHEW…. So I’m waiting to have my second ultrasound and my godchild who was with me had to leave for a job interview, I told her it would be fine.  I’ll be ok.  When they took me in, the nurse started the ultrasound and she said I’ll be right back, the words you dread… Well when she came back, she had the doctor with her and they told me that they didn’t see any movement and that I had miscarried.  I was DEVESTATED! I started screaming NO, NO, NO!!! NOT AGAIN!!!! The doctor was confused because this was my first pregnancy, so I had to tell them that we also lost a baby in miscarriage during an adoption.  I was at the doctor by myself with my lil neice, who was about 2 at the time.  I kept telling the nurses, go get my husband, go get my husband please!!!!  I had the car at the doctor and he was at our store and he had my lil nephew, with no way to get to me.  He had to wait on my father in law to come get him and bring him to the doctor’s office.  I know he was devestated too and it was his birthday.  Finally he got there and my father in law took the kids home so that we could go to the hospital.  The doctor said that I could go home and see if I would go into labor or I could just go to the hospital and have a procedure.  I opted to go to the hospital, I told him if I go home like this I will go crazy!  He understood with everything that I had already been through, he called the hospital and go everything lined up for me.  By the time we got to the hospital I was shaking, I was nauseaus, I had been crying for what seemed like hours.  I had to sit outside a room while they finished getting it ready, I thought I was going to pass out.  Finally they get me in the room and my family starts arriving, I was so out of it I know I don’t remember everything.  There are certaing things that stick out though…. my grandma stood at my bedside, holding my hand, wiping my tears.  They could not reach my mom and dad, they were out fishing, they fished for a living.  I wanted to see my daddy and my mom before they took me in for surgery.  People kept coming in and out and laughing and joking and talking like there was nothing serious going on!  I told them if you can’t be quiet get out!  I couldn’t stand the noise and I couldn’t stand the fact that they were laughing and cutting up while I lay there knowing I would never hold my baby, I would never see my baby, I would never be able to wipe my baby’s tears, see their smile, NEVER!! One of them even says you alright?  AM I ALRIGHT??  SERIOUSLY??  AM I ALRIGHT??  HELL NO, I’M NOT ALRIGHT!  I LOST MY BABY, I’M NEVER GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!!  Once I told them that they had to get out if they couldn’t be quiet, it was quiet, I remember my godson sitting at the foot of my bed crying, he knew what this baby meant to us, he knew how heartbroken we were.  Finally they came to get me, I had to sign papers stating that they had permission to take my baby! Do you know how hard that was, do you know that is something I will never forget!  I would have given my life at that point if it meant my child having a chance at life.  I was too early on, and I knew that, it still haunts me all these years later.  When I came out of surgery, my mom and dad had finally made it.  I cried when I saw my daddy, I told him I’m sorry Daddy, I’m so sorry Daddy.  I was due to have the baby around his birthday and he was so excited, he had said he couldn’t wait till his birthday.  I’ve never seen my daddy cry before and that absolutely broke me!  My mom was standing by him crying too, they were heartbroken, this was their first grandchild, no second grandchild, we lost the first in miscarriage also.

So let me tell you a few things you should never tell anyone who has lost a child

  1. It’s going to be alright….really, I just lost my child, a part of me and it’s going to be alright…uh NO, it’s not ever going to be alright
  2. It’s for the best…really, for the best SMH How could you say it’s for the best?  What if  you lose your child or your husband or anyone else close to you are close to?  Is that for the best?
  3. You can have another one…really??  Have another one, there will never be another one that could take the place of the child that was lost, ever.  That child was unique, a one of a kind and it was my child.
  4. Maybe that child was going to be deformed??  Really…. I had someone tell me this and I lost it!  I said I don’t care if that child had no arms and no legs, it was still my child!

Here is a link to the blog post that my sister wrote, please read it.  And remember if you are ever in a situation where you have to comfort a mother or father greiving the loss of a child, a touch, a hug and just being there is enough.

10 Things never to say to anyone who has lost a child, by Jolisa Gilchist

Thank you so much sis for writing this blog post and honoring our little angels. You have touched on so many points and hit them dead on. I teared up as I was reading this and I can’t express what this means to me and so many other women who have had to face miscarriage or infant loss. Losing a child at any age causes unbearable pain that one has to learn to cope with over time. Thanks again & I love you more than words could ever say.

The Life and Times of a Modern Day Belle

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The hardest thing in the world is for a parent to lose a child. I believe there is no parent anywhere who will ever contest this statement. (No caring parent I should say as some of them seem to think it’s okay to kill their own kids.) The lucky majority of parents will never know the pain, the emptiness, the grief and the anger of this loss.

This will, inevitably, make the majority of us a bit stupid about what to say to those who have lost a child or a baby. We will try to be comforting and instead end up twisting the knife due to our own ignorance. It’s unintentional but no less painful to hear.

Both of my sisters have had miscarriages. I was very lucky and never had to face this heart wrenching experience myself. In honor of Miscarriage Awareness Month, I’m listing some of their…

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You taught me to be strong when I was at my weakest….

Oh my where do I begin….. Tomorrow makes 19 wonderful years this little bundle of joy came into our lives & forever changed the way we viewed life.  Our Godson, our sunshine, our pride & joy!  I’ll never forget watching his Mommy’s belly grow, while he was tucked snug as a bug in a rug, protected within her, lying beneath her heart, growing & stealing our hearts before his arrival.

I remember making his Mom walk towards the end of the pregnancy, hoping to help make labor & delivery easier.  I remember her sitting there indulging in eating oreo cookies and milk, not caring about the calories.  She had some very hard times ahead of her but, she NEVER wavered the thought of having & loving this precious child.  His mother and I did Lamaze classes together, I was there to be her birthing coach.  I’ll never forget how fulfilling it was to be there and experience the anticipation of welcoming this little life into the world! I remember the day we went to the hospital to prepare for delivery.  Upon arrival at the hospital, the staff was busy as bees getting everything set up, putting IVs and asking questions, they were in and out, in and out…. Throughout the day as things started progressing, the pain was getting worse as the contractions came closer and closer.  I never left your Mommy’s side, your Mawmaw & I talked her through the contractions, doing breathing exercises anxious to meet you.

Finally, it was time to go to the delivery room!  Oh boy! Oh boy!! We finally get to meet this beautiful little boy!  This little boy who had long since stolen our hearts!  This little boy named Caleb!  Oh everyone was so excited, the family was all gathered in the waiting rooms & hallway waiting to hear that first newborn cry!  We held your Mommy’s hands, told her she could do it!  She had to do it, we just couldn’t wait to meet you!  Finally there you were, this perfect little boy, this little life that so changed our hearts.  Listen to that cry! That was the most amazing sound I’ve ever heard in my life!  This little boy, who was so loved by so many.  Mommy got to hold you for a brief moment before they took you to clean you up, weigh you and take your fingerprints and footprints.  You were so beautiful, we couldn’t take our eyes off of you.  Once the nurses finished cleaning you up and wrapping you in a baby blanket, they brought you over & I got to hold you, my heart was full, my heart was happy!

Over the years Caleb you have taught me so much

You’ve taught me to love without seeing or touching

You’ve taught me to be strong when I was at my weakest

You’ve taught me that it’s ok to be scared

You’ve taught me how precious life is

You’ve taught me that the struggles we face teach us lessons

You’ve taught me how to use my instincts, when you hurt I hurt

You’ve taught me to be proud, to be scared to death, to laugh till I cried, to be so mad that I had to fight to contain myself so that I could calmly address the issue at hand.

You brought sunshine into our lives Caleb, sunshine at a point & time in Parin & our lives that was dark and painful.  You gave us hope, you gave us a reason to smile, a reason to love, a reason to live.  We helped your Mommy take care of you, we watched you grow, we watched you learn to walk, learn to talk….. I remember you’d only talk to your Parin Chris and one day you started talking to your Mommy and she was so glad when Parin & I got home.  She laughed and told Parin “he won’t stop talking, I’m so glad ya’ll are back” Oh, & taking you off the bottle, when we started taking you off the bottle at night we’d go into your room with a sippy cup and I lost count of how many times you threw it across the room.  When your Mommy would come pick you up in the evenings, she’d give you a bottle for about the first week and one day we all decided no more bottles.  HAHA!  We were all in store for a fussy baby…. That didn’t last long though, you were a good baby.

Your Parin could get you to do anything…. He called you Baboo because he used to play with you saying “aaaaa boo, aaaaa boo” Kinda like Peek a boo. and you’d say baaaa boo.  So he nick named you Baboo! You were his shadow, everything he did, you copied.  EVERYTHING!  It was amazing to watch you learn from him, to watch you grow & blossom.

Caleb, I promise you I will love you forever.  I promise I will be there anytime you need anything!  Nanny is beyond proud of the young man that you have grown up to be, the big brother, the high school graduate, the college student!  I know your Parin would be beyond proud of you too!  I know he’s looking down, smiling on you.

Keep your head up, stay focused on your goals and NEVER give up on your dreams.  You can do anything that you aspire to, be anything you want to be.  Be passionate about whatever you do in life, take pride in everything you do, if you do a job do it well, when you love, love with all your heart, treat your future wife like a queen, respect her, honor her and protect her, be a true gentleman, open doors for her, walk her to the car with the umbrella in the rain, carry in the groceries, warm her car when it’s cold outside, help her with the housework, it’s a joint effort; don’t let her disrespect you. You deserve the best, I pray that you find true happiness, the kind of happiness your Parin & I had.

Respect, honor and protect your Mom and your Sister, they depend on you to set an example and standard on how they should be treated.  Watch out for your sister, don’t let her settle for second best, she deserves only the best.


My Journey to freedom; Bravery, courage & hope

I’ve had the honor of being part of an amazing group at our church called Celebrate Recovery.  It’s a Christ centered study for anyone with hurts, habits and hangups.  And I don’t know about you but, I’ve had my fair share of hurts, habits and hangups.  I’ve suffered ruthless emotional trauma over the years, some things worse than others.

I’ve become stronger because I’ve had to overcome going through sexual abuse as a child, losing my babies and my husband of 18 years–10 years ago this month.  I’ve also suffered with horrific medical issues pretty much my whole life, I try not to let it get to me but, sometimes it’s very hard.  I do my best to keep my head up, but mostly I work VERY hard to stay focused on my faith.  Being raised by a God fearing, strong Christian Grandmother has a lot to do with my faith being so strong and fearless.

This is the first time that I write about being sexually abused, I’ve told VERY few people, they had to be very close to me & I had to know that I could trust them infinitely.  Something like this is not an easy topic to talk about, it can be quite risky if the person you confide in exposes your most private confession.  I don’t know exactly when this happened to me because I blocked it from my memory, by the amazing grace of God.  As a teenager, young adult I would have these revolting flashbacks, not knowing what was going on in my head or why I was seeing these tawdry images.  One day I read a story of a young girl having issues with her brother coming in her room at night.  She spoke to her parents about it, they didn’t seem to think it was that serious.  This young girl started putting her dresser against the door at night & somehow her arrogant brother still managed to get into her room.  She was startled when she woke one night and he was sitting on her.  (NO my brother did not abuse me, he would NEVER do that) As I read this, I started having more flashbacks, longer flashbacks of what happened to me as a child.  I had never, ever spoken to anyone about this.  This time I had to, I didn’t know how to deal with what I was discovering.  I confided to one of my sister in laws about it.  I remember leaning up against the wall in shock so to speak, telling her about it.  I cried, I felt dirty, I felt violated, hurt, angry, ashamed….How could this have happened to me? How did he get away with this?  Why didn’t I tell anyone as a child?  I had so many emotions going through my head…. I later found out that the abuse was more than likely the reason that I was never able to have children.  That infuriated me, this person has children and grandchildren….. I don’t!!!!

I suffered severe depression after losing my first baby to the point I would lay there and want to take a bottle of nerve pills to end the pain.  The love that I have for my family and my God is the only reason I didn’t do it, knowing the devastation it would cause I just couldn’t do it.  I made a doctor’s appointment to get something for depression, this was not an easy choice… but, it was the right choice.  When I went in to the doctor’s office I felt drawn to a pamphlet on PTSD…. I answered yes to 6 out of 7 questions.  When I walked in the back, the doctor asked me why I was crying…. I replied, this is what I do. I took an antidepressant for a few months and was fine for years.

The second baby I lost early on in the pregnancy.  This was a shock because everything seemed to be going fine, went in for a checkup and ultrasound…. found out I had miscarried.  I was at the doctor’s office alone, but I had my little niece (godchild) with me–she was about 2.  I started screaming for someone to call my husband, they called him but, he had to wait for someone to pick him up & bring him to meet me because I had the car & he had our nephew (godchild) with him.  I was sent to the hospital for a procedure to be done immediately.  This loss was easier, yet harder if that makes any sense… we did not have a service for this baby.  I knew without a doubt I would not be able to handle burying another baby…. I regretted it, but I hold on to the fact that I will meet my babies one day in that paradise that God has promised us.

My husband had medical issues pretty much all his life just like I did.  He too tried to live life to the fullest, not letting his illness bring him down.  When he was diagnosed with cancer it took my breath!  NOOOOO not the C word!  This was tough, watching him take those treatments and how they affected him, making him tired…worrying about every little detail.  He ended up with a brain hemorrhage when they went to give him his first treatment… this changed him.  He was such a gentle man, loving and kind…. after the brain hemorrhage he yelled at me constantly.  I had to understand that it was not him, it was the illness.  When he was in ICU at the end of his life, God prepared me for what was coming.  My mom & I would read scriptures from the bible and sing hymns when we visited him.  One day in the Chapel, I stood up raising my hands thanking God that my husband was still with us, though his numbers were dim.  I saw a vision— it was like the words “I will hide you in a secret place, in my pavilion” one of the scriptures that we would read, was right before my eyes in the thin air… I saw him lying in a place, much like the depictions of Jesus’ tomb with a big cement door and 2 guards standing outside and God said… He’s not coming out till I’m ready.  I was excited, thinking he was going to wake up.  Sadly, he passed that night to be with Jesus.  He was suffering, bleeding internally…. I took one look at him and told him to go home, go be with our babies.  God prepared me for this journey…..

This group has helped me to cope with the loss of my second baby, I grieved the first loss but, I repressed the feelings of loss for the second one.  It hit me really hard this year, for one of the classes I could not even speak until the very end.  I cried through the entire class, no one questioned me or made me feel uncomfortable or pressured.  Through the teachings I learned how to share my baggage– hurts, habits & hangups.  Sharing, talking about these issues really helps.  I know I have some feelings pushed so far inside trying to hide the pain, but from time to time they still come up hitting me like a ton of bricks but, I’m slowly pulling these emotions out to deal with them one by one.

You learn how to prioritize your life, how to focus on the positive, how to accept the things that life throws at you, even the bad stuff.  I’m not saying it’s easy, but through this group setting you realize you’re not alone, other’s suffer from hurts, habits and hangups just like you.  You learn how to trust one another and draw strength from one another and from almighty God. For without God none of this would be possible.



& just like that our world was turned upside down!

& just like that our world was turned upside down! I don’t know if you’ve ever gotten that phone call or message that would alter your life forever, news about a loved one being in an accident or whatever the case may be.  Well we have gotten that news…too many times, more than I’d care to count.

You see we’ve lost multiple family members to car accidents over the years and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  When you hear of someone else getting the dreaded news your heart drops for you know all to well the pain that they will have to endure.

Tonight I’m writing for a friend of mine’s family members… they have 2 family members in the hospital fighting for their lives and she’s asking for prayer intentions, believing for a miracle healing.  I’m standing in agreement with them and claiming a miracle healing in the mighty name of Jesus!

This is her post from earlier asking for prayer… I am starting an INTENTION process for tomorrow right now. And I need you all to write and comment and say the positive thing that WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW MORNING. In the morning the doctors WILL come in around 5 am and see that the swelling has went down and that he is good and cleared for surgery! They WILL take him to OR and clean him and reattach the organs. They WILL flush him of all toxins and sew him up. Christopher’s blood pressure WILL be exactly where it’s supposed to be and when the finish sewing him they WILL drain his lungs of ALL fluid! Gone! And doctors and nurses will slowly take him off the breathing machines and slowly wake him to a manageable state. This WILL HAPPEN! i will pray, dream, visualize this happening from this point forward and I NEED YOU ALL TO DO THE SAME! *** WILL PULL THROUGH THIS TOMORROW.

God knows who we are asking prayer for…

Father God I come to you right now covering these young men in the blood of the Lamb, rebuking the enemy and standing strong demanding a healing in the most precious name of JESUS!!! Lord I have no doubt that you will come through, touching these young men with your healing touch, restoring them to full health, showing the doctors & nurses that YOU are still in control.  Father send angels to watch over these young men, to encamp round about them, to keep the enemy at bay!

We know that the enemy is working hard, as he always does especially in vulnerable situations, but we know that we serve a mighty & powerful God!  Our God says ask and you shall receive, believe and it shall be added unto you…. Our God is a merciful God and he knows our needs & hearts desires before we even ask him….

Standing in the gap, believing for a miraculous healing….



I can finally smile today….It’s been 16 years

I decided to go to the grave yard on the anniversary date of the day we found out we had lost you in pregnancy.  You didn’t have flowers…. I cried, I felt so overwhelmed by despair because you didn’t have flowers…. It’s been 16 years and I’ve ALWAYS made sure that you had flowers, you will never be forgotten, that’s a promise I plan on keeping till the day I die!

I promised you that I’d go get you some flowers the next day.  Well I knew there was something I needed to do but, I couldn’t remember, getting old I guess… Till I passed by the flowers at the store.  So I grabbed a pretty peach cross of flowers, a bee and a frog stick to place there too.  Well I made sure that I left work on time so that I could make it to the grave yard and you’d have fresh flowers for your birthday.  I put the flowers, said I love you and I left with tears in my eyes, saying small doses God, I can only take small doses.  The pain is still there, the ache in my heart will never go away.

So the next morning was your birthday, it’s been 16 long years and I finally smiled on your birthday.  I felt so relieved that you had flowers, I would not have made it through the day had I not put those flowers the day before.  I know it sounds like oh, it’s no big deal he didn’t have flowers to some people but, to me it’s everything!  I want people to know that you are loved, that just because you left us in pregnancy you are a part of our lives.   It hurts me so bad to see a baby’s grave untended, just left to the elements and the weather.

I feel so proud that I was able to make it through the day with a smile.  I believe this is the first time ever….. I also know that you celebrated your birthday with your Daddy, Christian and Grandpa, my Daddy.  Oh, how I long for the day that I can see you all in paradise but, until then I have things to do here on earth.

All my love,


You left without saying goodbye….

It was just another ordinary day, getting kids off to school, husband heading off to work….none of us knew that this would be the last time we would hear your voice, smell your perfume, hug you; say I love you until the next time.  But, there would be no next time, there would be no more laughter, family gatherings filled with joy…. only tears, pain, questions filled with anger!  Why! Why!

You were such a loving person, always worried about everyone else, making sure your family had what they needed at all times. Your family was your everything, your absolute mission in life was taking care of your husband and your girls. Your girls are lost without you, aching to have your arms around them again, longing to hear your tender voice.  Longing to hear you say that you love them or that you’re proud of them or even fuss them for doing something they know they should not…..

Your husband has an emptiness in his heart, his heart has been ripped into a million pieces and will never be put back together again.  You shared such a love, took such pride in your family.  You created life in your girls through that love, there will never be another like you.  You are the piece that will forever be missing in his puzzle called life.

Your Mother & Father….your Mother gave you life, she can’t bear the pain of missing you.  Your Father, he’s prideful and tries to hide his pain but, everyone knows he’s hurting, you were of course Daddy’s girl.  The pain wakes your parents in the night, they long to wake up from this nightmare and see your smiling face, kiss you and hug you never to let go…. They realize it’s not a nightmare, not one they can wake up from anyway.

Your brothers and sisters… they too try to stay strong, they feel they have to stay strong for your girls and your husband, your mother & father.  But, they lost a piece of themselves when you left for you are a part of them.  You are in every childhood memory that they have, every birthday party, Christmas, Easter and so on.  You are intertwined in each other like a spider’s web, where one of you ends another begins.

Your Grandmother she too tries to stay strong, she says she’s ok but, you were like one of her own.  She waited on you in the mornings to pick up the girls for school when they had spent the night with her.  She too longs to see you, to hug you, to say I love you….

Many others, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews and numerous friends feel the burden of losing you.  They know how close your family is and how much your family meant to you.

My prayer is that God will somehow give everyone comfort and the peace that only God can give, the peace that surpasses all understanding.  I’ve lost loved ones, children, a husband, a father and my grandparents.  My heart hurts for I know the pain that your closest loved ones are feeling.  I wish I could take all their pain away.  I wish I could go up to Heaven and get you, bring you back home, even for one day…. Just to say that final goodbye….. that final goodbye, that was never said for no one expected you to leave so suddenly.  We all know that you are watching over your loved ones and longing to be with them too.  Fly high sweet angel, we’ll love you forever

In loving memory

For Tabatha Dinger Gross

Crystal G. R. Hoksbergen

I want to tell you about the man I call Daddy

I want to tell you about a man that made me so mad at times that I wanted to scream.  I want to tell you about a man that I love so much I’d die for him.  I want to tell you about the man that I call Daddy…

I will forever cherish the fragrant childhood memories of my Daddy.  As a young girl I remember him pulling tangles out of my hair so tenderly that I was amazed that it didn’t hurt.  As he hand picked those tangles he talked to me telling me he loved me & he was picking on my Mama telling her that’s how you do it.

I remember being sick, burning up with fever & Daddy wiping me down with ice & alcohol… I remember him sitting with me at the hospital after I had surgery and I wanted chips, he got me some Bugles–to this day when I get a bag of Bugles I think about that night. I remember getting ready for school, breaking into tears because I felt bad and Daddy rocking me & I was almost too big for his lap, he told my Mama I could stay home from school with him.

I remember Daddy being so mad because I had done something stupid…. I remember him telling me why I could or couldn’t do things.  I remember the good things about growing up because that’s all that matters.  I had loving parents that worried about me having what I needed in life.

I remember a hard working man, a proud man, a man that would do just about anything for anybody.  I remember a man that took care of his family with everything that he had.

My Daddy taught us to be strong, to be proud, to not take BS, to work hard for what we wanted.  He worried about us being responsible with our money.  At times he would share his opinion with us whether we liked it or not but, he always had our best interests at heart.

My absolute best memories are of us camping during the summers when I was a teenager.  Daddy would work an extra week on the boat so he could take 3 weeks off to spend time with us at the camp.  We would load up the boat with supplies and head out to our little paradise with Nanny, Uncle Hub & their kids…. we would put out fishing lines in the lake, go frogging at night and eat like royalty.  We learned how to swim out there–Daddy tied a rope to us and made us swim across the bayou as he sat on the bow of the boat holding onto that line for dear life, giving us just enough slack so we had room to swim.  I got up early one morning and went swimming while everyone was still sleeping, boy when he got up and saw me in the water he went to yelling get out of that water girl.  Well I cut my knee on the way out, still have a scar from it, he wanted to stitch it with needle & thread… not happening…. We would take a small TV with us, I remember watching wrestling out in the middle of the woods & thinking now this is the life.

Daddy never asked for much, he was happy with the simple things in life.  He did not always say I love you but, when he did you could feel the love.  As I got older when I would tell him I loved him, he’d say oh get out of here with that mushy stuff… his response most of the time was “me too” with a slight smile.

A few years ago I was blessed to be able to take Mom & Daddy to a Celtic Women concert… He loved the Celtic Women, he called them his girls.  When we got there he was tickled pink, I remember him clapping along with the songs and lights gleaming in his eyes.  During intermission we went to the restroom, Daddy & I were in the back waiting on my Mom, Daddy turns to me & says “In case I forget to tell you later I had a good time”  I smiled from ear to ear, my heart overflowing with joy that I was able to do this for him and I thought about the elevator scene in Pretty Woman.

The past few years have been rough seeing my Daddy slipping away, losing his memory, trying to talk not being able to remember the words.

Now I have to say Goodbye to the man that I call Daddy and I don’t know how to do that.  He will always be a part of me, he will always be in my heart & in my memory.  He gave me a lifetime of lessons that have made me the woman I am today.  I thank God everyday that he blessed me with such a strong man for a Daddy.  A man that was soft & kind when I was crying and hard as steel if I’d done wrong.  He knew how to balance the good & the bad.  He was stern when he needed to be & loving when I was hurting.

Thank you all for being here with us and supporting us through his journey home.  It is greatly appreciated.  My dear sweet Mama will need your support in the next week, months and years to come.  She will need calls to say Hi, visits for coffee & invites to dinner.  She cared for my Daddy and did it well & for that I am forever grateful.  All my love to everyone….









She was there; No matter the distance, No matter the hour

So tonight I sit here and write about a lady that loved me like one of her own.  She always made me feel special & never treated me like a step daughter, you were the example of how I want to be with my daughters.  Though I did not give birth to them, I love them like my own.  This woman told everyone I was her daughter, she had me listed as a daughter on her facebook page, at first I didn’t exactly know what to think about it but, I realized that all it meant was that she loved me like one of her own & I was blessed by it.  She used to laugh and tell people that she divorced the husband and kept the kids…

As I got older we got very close, we talked on the phone a lot and spent time together.  I grew to treasure & cherish that time and looked forward to it.  I rode with her delivering plants for a while, we had a blast.  I remember one winter it had iced up and all the trees down the roads were covered in icicles, she thought this was so pretty.  I remember her getting so excited at the beauty of it all.  We stopped on side the road, in a park and other places along the way to snap some pics.  I searched through her pics last night cuz I was sure that I had gotten a pic of her that day but, all I saw was the one that she took of me…. My heart hurt at that point because that is a memory I treasure so much because she was so happy.

I recall when my first husband was in the hospital in New Orleans with a brain hemorrhage, he was having cancer treatment.  I was devastated, worrying about him, not knowing what the future was going to hold.  She, my sister & her husband came late in the night to check on us.  She was there, no matter the distance no matter the hour.  This has always meant a lot to me.

I want to thank you for being there for me, for loving me and guiding me through life’s journey, for blessing me with two beautiful sisters that I treasure.  Anytime I needed you were there, no matter the distance, no matter the hour.  In many ways your love & friendship has helped shape me & mold me into the woman I am today.  I remember as a child you going to bat for me many times…as I recall these memories my heart is full of gratitude and sorrow as I weep because you will no longer be there for me to call when I need advice or to share good news…..

Everyone talked today about your love for each of us, how you wanted things for others more than yourself, how you treasured each one of us in one way or another.  You touched our lives more than you will ever know with your example of generosity and compassion, that is the true meaning of friendship.  You taught us to be ourselves and to value ourselves, that we were important and we were beautiful.

I know that your body was tired, I know that you fought a good fight and that you are resting now and not in pain.  Your wings were ready but, our hearts were not…. Fly high sweet angel, soar with the eagles, dance with the angels and be at peace

All my love,

Your Daughter Crystal

In loving memory of

Kaye Tomlinson Granger



Why do I write of such devastating grief? You ask….

Sometimes things happen that we will NEVER ever understand… People try to comfort you because that’s just human nature, when one hurts those we love hurt and they do and say things to try to make us feel better.  But, there are certain circumstances that NO words will ever make better.  You can comfort more with a touch, a hug or a look than any word spoken.  You can comfort by just being there helping to cook, clean and such.  Just being there to support that loved one that is facing a devastating, life shattering experience.

One of those such devastating experiences is the loss of a child.  A lot of people don’t understand how you could love someone that you have lost in a miscarriage or a baby that is a few days or weeks old.  As a mother or father awaiting that child’s arrival, preparing a room to bring that baby home to, shopping and just enjoying the excitement of the coming baby…you get attached, you fall in love with this little being that is growing inside you.  The father watches his wife’s belly grow, he may talk to the baby while in the womb, he too has his own aspirations for this child that he has never met.  He too is anxiously awaiting the arrival of this child, a child that will change his life forever.

Have you ever had to bury a baby? If not you have NO idea what a mother or father is feeling at that moment.  The ONLY thing you can do to be of any comfort is to be there, no words….

Why do I write of such things you ask?  Well I’ll tell you why…I write of these things because miscarriage and infant loss are one of the most devastating things that a mother or father can face.  Many don’t understand, they will say get over it.  How pray tell do you just “GET OVER IT” You don’t!!! Your life has just been shattered into a million pieces!  You have lost a piece of your heart, a piece of your soul that you’ll never get back!  Not in this lifetime anyway!  You feel like a failure, blame yourself, wonder what you could have done different???  You question your faith in God, why would God bless us with a miracle only to take it away before you’ve had the chance to meet that baby, for those lost in miscarriage.  Or, you’ve never had the chance to raise your baby, for those who have had the joy of holding their little one, even for a short while.  You have no memories of that child’s first ANYTHING…. NOTHING!!!! You wonder about their first steps, first day of school and so on…. When you see others sharing the joy of their children, your heart aches for your child.  You wonder what your child would be like, what they would look like….

When we buried our baby, I had cried so much at the hospital, then preparing for the funeral that I felt I had no tears left at the grave site.  I knelt down by my baby’s tiny coffin feeling guilty because I had no tears left.  My Daddy…. oh my Daddy, a strong man, a man that rarely shows emotion. He reached down picked me up and literally carried me to the car as I was screaming, NO, Daddy!  NO, Daddy!!!  I know that broke my Daddy’s heart.  He looked at me with tear filled eyes and spoke not a word, he rubbed my head and walked away.

Later that year we were all at a family gathering for the holidays, lots of babies around, lots of laughter and holiday cheer. My heart was breaking, I could not take one more second, I was in complete agony!  As I walked out the door someone asked if I was OK?  I shrieked NO!!  I left, not knowing where I was going or what to do.  I just knew I had to get out of there, I could not breathe! I had so much pain bottled up inside, my heart ached, my arms ached, I felt such emptiness inside, I wanted to scream to the top of my lungs.  That’s just what I did, I ended up at my brother’s house.  When I walked in, my brother could see that I was in a bad way. I fell into my brother’s embrace screaming,  bloodcurdling screams, to the top of my lungs!  I WANT MY BABY! I WANT MY BABY!  I JUST WANT TO HOLD MY BABY!  By the time I stopped screaming my brother was crying, he hurt because I hurt.  He comforted me by holding me, giving me a refuge to release the insurmountable grief I was holding onto. He spoke not a word, he just held me.  I don’t think my brother realized until that very moment how horrific the grief actually was for me.  He will never know just what he did for me that day….

How did I survive this loss? I’ll tell you, lots of love and support from my family.  I suffered from PTSD (Post traumatic stress syndrome) which led to depression for many years before I finally faced it.  Looking back I had moments of depression over the years, I just never realized how bad it was.  6 long years after losing my first baby, I got to the point where I would just lay there crying, wanting to end the pain.  I even contemplated taking a bottle of nerve pills.  The ONLY thing that stopped me was knowing that my husband would be the one to find me, I just could not bring myself to do that to him or the rest of my family.  I knew how devastated they would be.   Finally, I went to the doctor, I saw a brochure for PTSD, I was drawn to it.  I answered yes to 6 out of 7 questions.  When they called me to the back I was crying.  The doctor asked why I was crying.  I replied… this is what I do, I cry uncontrollably all day & all night….  I showed her the brochure and she agreed that it was PTSD, which can be triggered by any traumatic event and the loss of a child definitely fits into that category. I was prescribed an anti-depressant, which I only took a few months because I did not want to be dependent on pills.  I can tell you first hand, there is no shame in talking to your doctor if you need help getting over a loss like this.  I thank God I did….

The next time you know of someone who has lost a baby, remember this ….

You can comfort more with a touch, a hug or a look than any word spoken.  You can comfort by just being there helping to cook, clean and such.  Just being there to support that loved one that is facing a devastating, life shattering experience.






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