My Journey to freedom; Bravery, courage & hope

I’ve had the honor of being part of an amazing group at our church called Celebrate Recovery.  It’s a Christ centered study for anyone with hurts, habits and hangups.  And I don’t know about you but, I’ve had my fair share of hurts, habits and hangups.  I’ve suffered ruthless emotional trauma over the years, some things worse than others.

I’ve become stronger because I’ve had to overcome going through sexual abuse as a child, losing my babies and my husband of 18 years–10 years ago this month.  I’ve also suffered with horrific medical issues pretty much my whole life, I try not to let it get to me but, sometimes it’s very hard.  I do my best to keep my head up, but mostly I work VERY hard to stay focused on my faith.  Being raised by a God fearing, strong Christian Grandmother has a lot to do with my faith being so strong and fearless.

This is the first time that I write about being sexually abused, I’ve told VERY few people, they had to be very close to me & I had to know that I could trust them infinitely.  Something like this is not an easy topic to talk about, it can be quite risky if the person you confide in exposes your most private confession.  I don’t know exactly when this happened to me because I blocked it from my memory, by the amazing grace of God.  As a teenager, young adult I would have these revolting flashbacks, not knowing what was going on in my head or why I was seeing these tawdry images.  One day I read a story of a young girl having issues with her brother coming in her room at night.  She spoke to her parents about it, they didn’t seem to think it was that serious.  This young girl started putting her dresser against the door at night & somehow her arrogant brother still managed to get into her room.  She was startled when she woke one night and he was sitting on her.  (NO my brother did not abuse me, he would NEVER do that) As I read this, I started having more flashbacks, longer flashbacks of what happened to me as a child.  I had never, ever spoken to anyone about this.  This time I had to, I didn’t know how to deal with what I was discovering.  I confided to one of my sister in laws about it.  I remember leaning up against the wall in shock so to speak, telling her about it.  I cried, I felt dirty, I felt violated, hurt, angry, ashamed….How could this have happened to me? How did he get away with this?  Why didn’t I tell anyone as a child?  I had so many emotions going through my head…. I later found out that the abuse was more than likely the reason that I was never able to have children.  That infuriated me, this person has children and grandchildren….. I don’t!!!!

I suffered severe depression after losing my first baby to the point I would lay there and want to take a bottle of nerve pills to end the pain.  The love that I have for my family and my God is the only reason I didn’t do it, knowing the devastation it would cause I just couldn’t do it.  I made a doctor’s appointment to get something for depression, this was not an easy choice… but, it was the right choice.  When I went in to the doctor’s office I felt drawn to a pamphlet on PTSD…. I answered yes to 6 out of 7 questions.  When I walked in the back, the doctor asked me why I was crying…. I replied, this is what I do. I took an antidepressant for a few months and was fine for years.

The second baby I lost early on in the pregnancy.  This was a shock because everything seemed to be going fine, went in for a checkup and ultrasound…. found out I had miscarried.  I was at the doctor’s office alone, but I had my little niece (godchild) with me–she was about 2.  I started screaming for someone to call my husband, they called him but, he had to wait for someone to pick him up & bring him to meet me because I had the car & he had our nephew (godchild) with him.  I was sent to the hospital for a procedure to be done immediately.  This loss was easier, yet harder if that makes any sense… we did not have a service for this baby.  I knew without a doubt I would not be able to handle burying another baby…. I regretted it, but I hold on to the fact that I will meet my babies one day in that paradise that God has promised us.

My husband had medical issues pretty much all his life just like I did.  He too tried to live life to the fullest, not letting his illness bring him down.  When he was diagnosed with cancer it took my breath!  NOOOOO not the C word!  This was tough, watching him take those treatments and how they affected him, making him tired…worrying about every little detail.  He ended up with a brain hemorrhage when they went to give him his first treatment… this changed him.  He was such a gentle man, loving and kind…. after the brain hemorrhage he yelled at me constantly.  I had to understand that it was not him, it was the illness.  When he was in ICU at the end of his life, God prepared me for what was coming.  My mom & I would read scriptures from the bible and sing hymns when we visited him.  One day in the Chapel, I stood up raising my hands thanking God that my husband was still with us, though his numbers were dim.  I saw a vision— it was like the words “I will hide you in a secret place, in my pavilion” one of the scriptures that we would read, was right before my eyes in the thin air… I saw him lying in a place, much like the depictions of Jesus’ tomb with a big cement door and 2 guards standing outside and God said… He’s not coming out till I’m ready.  I was excited, thinking he was going to wake up.  Sadly, he passed that night to be with Jesus.  He was suffering, bleeding internally…. I took one look at him and told him to go home, go be with our babies.  God prepared me for this journey…..

This group has helped me to cope with the loss of my second baby, I grieved the first loss but, I repressed the feelings of loss for the second one.  It hit me really hard this year, for one of the classes I could not even speak until the very end.  I cried through the entire class, no one questioned me or made me feel uncomfortable or pressured.  Through the teachings I learned how to share my baggage– hurts, habits & hangups.  Sharing, talking about these issues really helps.  I know I have some feelings pushed so far inside trying to hide the pain, but from time to time they still come up hitting me like a ton of bricks but, I’m slowly pulling these emotions out to deal with them one by one.

You learn how to prioritize your life, how to focus on the positive, how to accept the things that life throws at you, even the bad stuff.  I’m not saying it’s easy, but through this group setting you realize you’re not alone, other’s suffer from hurts, habits and hangups just like you.  You learn how to trust one another and draw strength from one another and from almighty God. For without God none of this would be possible.

 

 

Losing an Unforgettable love; Overcoming the intense, vicious suffering called grief

Deep breath I say as I sit here to write this post.  I think of a much happier time, a time when you were here, a time when I could reach out & touch you, a time where I could hear your tender voice…. OHHHHHH how I miss you!!!!! I think of the song “One more day….” I think things have changed, I think HOW on earth could it be that you’ve been gone for a DECADE!!!!!!!!

You were my life, my heart, my soul, my soulmate…. I remember the night that we started talking, you were so shy and reserved but, you finally got the courage up to come talk to me.  I knew from that moment that this was going to be a lifetime commitment.  I immediately started crying because I had never thought of you in that way but, we had a connection, a bond, friendship.  I will never forget you!  I promise!  My heart is bleeding with pain right now as I write this but, I have to write it, I have to process the pain.  If only I didn’t have to go through this, if only you didn’t have to leave.  But, you did have to leave, you fought long and hard, you did not let your illness control you or get you down.  I admired that about you, I draw strength from it now.  You were a very strong willed man, a very proud man and an honest man.

Oh, how I miss talking with you, seeing your smile, the thing I miss the most is hearing you say those words “I love you”.  I remember when you were in the hospital and they had to put you on the ventilator, I cried and all I could think about was this could be the last time that we say I love you to each other…. and it was.  Only God gave me strength to deal with letting you go.  I would not be standing otherwise.  I miss you, there’s not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.  I take solace in the fact that you are not suffering any longer, I feel that it would have been selfish of me to beg you to stay, lying there suffering, bleeding internally.  I knew your body was tired and it was time.  I had to let you go, I had to let you rest, though it broke my heart in a million pieces! The immense pain of seeing you suffer, feeling absolutely helpless was unbearable.

You would be so proud of Caleb & Chevy! They are both going to college to be music teachers.

Caleb started college a couple weeks ago.  Can you believe that!  I got to see him get his diploma, I tell you this was one proud Nanny!!!! I would not have missed it for the world, I knew that if you were here you’d be there.

Chevy is graduating this year and she’s already got it planned out, she’s going to UL because they have the best music program around.  When she told me a couple weeks ago, I was busting at the seams with joy!  I told her “If your Parin was here, he’d be rejoicing!!!!”  But, I know that you’re looking down on us & smiling, keeping watch over us.

Jonathan & Lindsey just bought a house!  I told him that you’d be proud of him!  I know I am!

Heather bought a house recently too, I’m beyond proud of the mother that she is!  She’s struggled & worked hard to raise her kids and raise them she has!

Meah is now in High School.  She’s in band still, of course.  I’m not sure what her major will be because they moved the Music Academy from Lafayette High.  :((

Morrigan is graduating this year too!  She’s doing lots of things, like driving!!!! Well most of the kids have their licence now.  Man I feel old…

Deuce, is in a new program and he’s excelling!  The teachers told Jo to expect him to graduate early!  Our Monkey is growing up too!

Briannah & Neila are both in High School!  They are doing so good too.  They are growing into beautiful young ladies.

Liz is happy being Liz.  You know she’s been independent from the day she came home from the hospital.  Always doing for herself.  She misses you too, she says things from time to time about you or things that you liked…. like the Saints.

You’d be proud of Lil Evy, he’s a worship leader at church, he is very involved with the church.  We always knew he would be, ever since Aunt Shirley started taking him to church as a child.  He was so intrigued….

Anthony…. Oh Anthony!  He’s got a beautiful, godly wife and they go to church with Aunt Shirley.  I went to see them on Easter Sunday, they played in the Passion Play at church.  You could just see the happiness in his face, in his eyes.  He was glowing, it was awesome!

I haven’t seen Brandon or Jessica in a while. I sure do miss them.

Lil Glenn & Tiffany have 2 beautiful children and he works hard to take care of his family.

Fanchon is working at a pre-school.  It’s hard on her but, she loves it!  She said she does it because she loves the kids.  I’m so proud of her & I know you would be too.

Jeremy & Amanda have 2 beautiful girls.  They work hard to take care of them, the girls are beautiful & growing up fast!

I feel a little better now, it’s like I’ve been sitting here talking to you.  I had to find a way to let out my feelings a while back when my Daddy started having health issues.  That’s when I started my blog.  It really helps.

In closing, I’d like to tell you “I love you!” Hug my babies, wait for me on the other side, I’ll be watching for you…..

All my love

Dedicated to my late husband

Christopher Noel

 

 

 

From this day forward….we knew our time was borrowed

Twenty four years ago today I said I do to a man, a man that said he fell in love with me at first sight.  & let me tell you I was a sight, young, dumb, nieve and overweight at least to my mind.  I did not always feel like I wa beautiful, it took me a very long time to be comfortable in the body that God blessed me with.  But, this man always made me feel good about myself, his look, his touch was genuine.  Oh, how I miss his touch, his smile, his voice….

When we started dating not everyone understood, not everyone could see the love that I saw in a short time.  No one could feel the love that I felt coming from you.  I was told that I would never find someone to love me the way another did but, I knew better.  I could feel it, it just felt right.  I was always a good girl, so to speak, never caused trouble, never raised a fuss but, for you, for you I did.  I fought for the right to be in a relationship with you, I fought for your honor and I fought for our freedom.  It was not easy to say the least but, it was worth every second of loving you and having you in my life.  Alot of people don’t understand how I’m not mad at God for taking you and I say “How can I be mad when God blessed me with him.  Blessed me.”  We knew not long after we started dating that our time was borrowed, we knew we had to cherish the time that we had with one another for you had health issues and there was no cure.  You were a fighter to say the least, you gave it your all and then some!  You lived with a horrible disease, but you didn’t see it that way, you saw it as a way of life, you saw it as oh well, just something else that I have to deal with.  You kept your cool, you accepted it and lived your life.  You lived such a normal life that sometimes we forgot that we were on borrowed time and took things for granted and then you would have an episode or something else would happen & bring us back to the reality that we would ultimately face.  We prepared far in advance for the end that we knew we would face.

You wrote in a notebook “I want you to know how much I love you, I need you.”  It was a notebook FULL of things about our love for each other.  I sat in the closet reading that notebook, crying my fool head off.  You had been ill at the time and that made it harder emotionally to ready so I picked it up…..I lost that notebook and after you died I searched for it.  I’m not sure if I would have been able to read it but, I just wanted to hold it.  Maybe some day I would have had the strength to read it.  Maybe…..

I try to remember the good things, the good days, the love, the faith, the kids, oh how I miss my babies, you know they’re not babies anymore.  They are growing into young adults and having babies of their own.  I miss the nights of playing hide & seek or listening to the kids in the den playing video games.  Our house was so busy during the summers and the holidays.  That house was more than a house, it was home.  At least it was home with you and the kids there.  Without you it was no longer home.  It no longer held that special place for me.  It no longer offered me rest & refuge.  NO, it was empty, it was painful, it was cold!!!  I hurt there, I could not breathe there, I could not stay there!!!!

So today makes 24 years that you & I said “From this day forward….till death do us part” and it’s been 8 years since I saw you last.  Though I think of you daily, it’s gotten easier over time.  You will always hold a special place in my heart.  You’d be proud of me, I’m doing well,  I’m working hard and doing my best to stay on the right track.

I’ve found love again, as I promised you I would.  It was difficult at first but, I knew I could not do this alone, I needed someone to give me strength.  Someone to lean on.  He respects your memory and I think that’s what I love about him most.  God has blessed me with a whole new family and sometimes it’s overwhelming the love that I feel for them.  It’s like they’ve been in my life the whole time, I could not imagine my life without them.

So you would have enjoyed supper tonight, my brother came in with a choupic and a few bass.  He was asking Mama if she wanted it and I was like choupic!!! I want it, I knew mom would enjoy it too.  So he made me clean the fish, Lord that’s something I haven’t done in a while and you could tell.  I did alright I guess but, I butchered some of them.  LOL  Well we made choupic patties, everyone enjoyed them….I know I did!!! Well I just wanted to say hi and tell you that I love you and I miss you!  Happy Anniversary, I hope you had a grand day in Heaven, kiss our babies and hug my grandparents for me!

Till next time….

I’ll meet you when my chores are through,

Love me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All I have is a thousand memories to carry me through a lifetime without you….

Twenty six years….wow, I can’t believe it’s been that long since I was a giddy school girl getting asked to go steady with the guy next door.

I was dating a chovanistic pig, who was putting down my friend and telling me that I could not eat a donut because I would gain weight.  I let him know right then that he wasn’t going to tell me what I could & couldn’t eat…. but when he started talking about my friend I drew the line….  I had made up my mind to break it off with him and your sister overheard the conversation.  She told me that you liked me, I was like NO??  Really??  I mean I had never thought of you that way, we were friends, we cut up, we ran around stinging each other with rubberbands….that’s all I could think when she told me that.  Then I thought HMMMM….he likes me, really me?? So my friend and I just had to find out, I was so nervous….Later that night we were on our way to pick you and a friend up so when we got back to the trailer our plan was put into motion.  She talked to your friend and asked him if he knew you liked me…he said Naaa but, I’ll find out.  Well it was a bit hillarious because he was drunk,  so he came back and told us yeah he likes her.  My heart skipped a beat so we were standing in the hall by the back room and you were in the back room waiting for your friend to come back—feeling awkward I’m guessing.   Well when you had the courage to walk out of the room you approached me saying “Come see”  I thought you had said Excuse me, so I moved but, when you put your arm around me I knew  I was done for.  I started with tears running down my face, asking myself what are you doing??  Are you crazy??  Oh you are going to be in so much trouble….  I had all these things going through my mind and then you asked…. do you want to go to church together tomorrow and I said yeah sure.  So I had to go break someone else’s heart in the morning……  I knew that it was the right choice, I was getting very uncomfortable around this other guy and I knew you, I trusted you and NOW I loved you.  Well no one else understood my choice, my family gave me LOTS of grief about it, some even told me that I’d never find another to love me as much as HE did.  I knew that I had found someone that loved me more that he ever could, they came to realize that later too.  🙂   On October 7, 1989 we stood on the porch and you gave me your graduation ring to wear and asked me to be your girl.  I was so happy, ofcourse I said YES!  We knew that it would not be an easy road because of your illness but, we were willing to make a go of it.  We were young, in love and ready to conquer the world.  My parents did not understand what I was going through and it made things very difficult.  I had to make some very tough choices back then.   I was still in high school and you made it clear that you wanted me to finish and graduate so I did.  I did not do it alone though, I had the help of family & friends supporting me and guiding me where I needed to be.

I tell you we had our good times and our tough times but, I don’t regret one second of my life that I’ve spent with you and now that you are gone I cherish each memory that I have with you.  I miss you each day but, I’ve learned to live without you and God has blessed me with an amazing support system, including a loving husband who never questions my tears for you.  I admire him for that, he respects your memory.  I think God hand picked him for me because he knew that I would need special love and support.

Anyways, I wanted to write to you today and let you know that I was thinking about you today.  It’s been 26 years ago today that you changed my life by asking me to be your girl.  I was honored to be your girlfriend, your wife and now your widow.  You were a loving husband and I know that you are watching over me now, making sure that I’m alright.  And I am alright, don’t get me wrong it’s a bit emotional but, I’m alright.  I know that you are not suffering anymore, you are spoiling our babies rotten and dancing with the angels.  So fly high my angel, all my love…..till we meet again